Thank you!!

A year would end tonight. Tomorrow is a new beginning. Hopefully, a beautiful beginning. I’d like to thank some people for the way they have touched my heart.

Being the introvert that I am, I don’t usually have a lot of people around me and I wouldn’t prefer it anyway. I am not writing this with an intention to talk about my complicated or simple (that’s always subjective) self.  It’s just an effort to express my happiness and gratitude for having  those people in my life. Their presence makes it calm and serene. It’s because of them, my life’s journey has been ‘so far, so good’. I am not an expressive person and too much of intimacy seems awkward to me. Pretty much like ‘Sheldon Cooper’ here. Anyway, I’m sure the ones I love, know it and love me despite it. I share a soul connection with all of them and hence, they are very precious to me.

Ma ( Mommy or Meemow is how I call her when nobody’s around)

My Mother. I am not sure if there can ever be a Mother better than her. But then, most of the children think about their Mothers like that. She’s perfect, absolutely perfect. Unlike me, she smiles all the time, talks a lot, laughs a lot, would surprise me at times with a quirky waltz or her soft humming of a song from some ancient era. That’s her picture in my heart. She’s what a wonder woman is in my ideal world.  Beautiful, lovable, intelligent (she topped in Mathematics and Physics throughout her academic career), progressive, sensitive, a perfect teacher, a perfect home maker, a wonderful cook, an extremely creative lady. She’s all that and so much more. It’s definitely the good karma of past lives that I am her daughter. I have never told her that I love her and I don’t think I can do that any day. All I can do is continue fooling her with the self made medical facts so that she allows me to skip meals and not force me to drink milk (that’s a sensitive topic so let’s just leave it and now this write up is off limits to her). I’ll always yell at her when she hugs and kisses me and I’ll always call her all the silly names I can think of. Thus, I'll express my love for her from the moment I wake up and see her busy completing a Sudoku, going to the school where she is the headmistress, till the time she goes off to sleep after watching some silly(subjective) television series. Thank you Universe, for her.

Papa

My Father. If you think, I am a little grumpy most of the times, that’s because I am my father’s daughter. Well, that’s my poor attempt at humor. We aren’t grumpy. We observe, think more and talk less. We are scared to get hurt or hurt others. That should explain the tough exterior. Softness has to have a tough shell. I am very much like my Dad if not just like him. We are the two quiet people who hardly talk even when we are in the same room for hours together doing the same thing. Yet there is a strange communication, an understanding of vibes so strong that it’s inexplicable. He’s the best father one can have. Ethical, honest, trustworthy, strong, motivational, protective, down to earth, impeccably polite, generous, considerate, extremely intelligent, a good orator, very well updated with the latest technology and an avid golfer. He’s all that and much more. He’s the strongest emotional support I have. Even without my saying anything, he gets to know what I feel. He is the father who’ll leave everything and fly a thousand miles to be with his child if he realises he or she is in pain. I've never been denied anything I've asked for. He has always trusted me and has been supportive in just everything. Though he'd make sure I'm humble and down to earth at all times, he walks around proudly declaring to the world, 'Look, that's my daughter, my pride.' 
It’s because of him and Mom, I know what Unconditional love is.

Pupun

My brother. He is the best human being I know. One would kill to possess a heart like his. I’ve never heard him speak or wish ill for anyone. He forgives and forgets so easily that even I get awestruck at times. I won’t be exaggerating if I say he is a masterpiece of creation. He’s loved by the people wherever he goes. He’s someone who is extremely artistic, sensitive, generous and affectionate. At times, he might be unmindful and slip into a world of his own(he almost got drowned in the Indian Ocean once because of that and is worse than me in receiving his calls) but otherwise, like any other guy of his age, he loves to eat good food, experiments with music( he’s a good guitarist and a good vocalist as well. He almost worships Chris Daughtry.), dresses well and socializes. He has a strong zeal to help people in need. I have seen him going out of his way to extend a helping hand, giving away everything he has even for complete strangers. The little kid, he even helped a thief once, who had been beaten up badly by some people and was bleeding profusely. He missed an important appointment to take the man to a hospital and even managed not to faint (He faints at the sight of blood). When I asked what made him do that when he was running out of time to reach a certain place, he just said, 'It's because that man needed help and I could help him. That was the most important thing to do at that moment'. I was stunned for a moment and felt so tiny in front of him. Yet, it disturbs me because good people like him are always taken advantage of. Anyway, as long as I am alive, I'll take care of him like I did in school. Bash up anyone who'd hurt him :). He trusts easily, which can get disappointing at times but he never stops believing in people. He has just stopped believing that he still has hair on his head.

Thank you for being my perfect little brother. I know I bully you at all times but that's how I am capable of showing my affection. I just hope you forgive me all the time and let me know if I cross the line. (Goodness! I sound like a psycho!)

Friends

Jimly.

My best friend throughout the school life. She was the quietest child in the class and perhaps that’s why we were such good friends. I didn’t talk much. Neither did she. We would sit under a tree during the recess and stare at the people around, content with each other’s company. The other thing which we did was collect resinous exudates from the barks of  trees around the playground. We’d discuss the different shapes excitedly. That’s all the conversation we usually had. But there were days, a conversation would never end and it would invariably be about something which touched our hearts intensely. She is miles away now, yet she is very dear to me.

Thank you for being the sweetest friend a child could have.

Mayurakshi Ba. 

I consider her my elder sister. Not all bonds are formed by blood, there are some where the souls connect in a way that it’s impossible to undo them. I met her in the beginning of my second year in medical college. We were two shy people who opted to occupy the rooms in an isolated part of our hostel, situated on the hill amidst the huge trees. This wing was almost cut off from the rest of the hostel. I was a little terrified of her initially, thinking she too might be one of the sadistic seniors who mentally tortured  the new entrants of the hostel. Later I came to know, she was new in the hostel as well and was anything but intimidating. The first thing I noticed was her really huge collection of books (not the medical books) and lots of music cassettes. That's how we began talking. Books and music brought us closer. When I look back, it seems like she was some sort of a protective pad for me out there. Whenever I landed up in trouble and had no one around, she’d miraculously appear and save my day. She has seen me at my best and my worst. My appendicitis pain, emotional vulnerabilities, my panic attacks, crankiness, silly crushes.. she has seen them all and has taken care of me in my weakest moments. I haven’t met a warmer person. People like her reinforce a believer's belief in angels. She’s one of the finest doctors, well balanced, empathetic and extremely intelligent. She writes really well. She is one my favorite writers. Whatever she pens down is just so perfect that one can actually see what she sees and feel what she feels. She loves potatoes, soy bean and rice. She is mostly a vegetarian except of course she has prawns and crabs at times. The reason I mentioned this is, that's one of the many things I'll remember about her. She’ll scold me if I talk about her eating habits anymore. So I’ll stop here for now.

Thank you for being my angel.

Moitreyee.

Moitreyee is the beautiful epitome of friendship. She is the perfect lady. A little cranky, somewhat paranoid and extremely affectionate. She is the people’s person. Loved by the old and the young alike. Now what do I say about her! Perfection doesn’t need too many words to be described. We share our intense fondness for Romance, Bon Jovi, Chinese food and Good Etiquettes. She would be a mother to me most of the times (she’ll kill me for this). I’ve never met a person who has the courage to love and give the way this girl does. It’s amazing the way she holds people together. The intensity with which she can love, the way she can love without fear, is laudable. She gets hurt too but I’ve seen her rising quickly without letting the fall affect her in anyway. She is one of those people who believe that the only significance of the scars in life is that they indicate how many times you have survived the blow of fate.

Thank you for never judging me.

Mitu Ma’am

My favorite teacher. I lost her to leukaemia 6 years back. I remember the way I would be spell bound when she would throw light upon a topic. History seemed like the most interesting thing on Earth because of her. She’d take out all the illustrative books and explain things in a manner that one would remember them forever. Not only her words, the way of talking, I loved everything about her. That easy smile, the encouraging pat on the back, the air of confidence when she walked, the music she listened to, the collection of books she had, the delicious food she cooked, just everything. Sub consciously, I tried to mirror her. Since she was my Mom’s friend, I was always welcome to her place if I had a doubt in social studies. Almost everyday, I’d invent a doubt and run to her when the other kids would be busy playing. I just loved to hear her talk and listen to all those stories. She would even let me borrow her books. How I miss her today.

You were and you still are one of the finest ladies I know. Thank you for inspiring me to value myself.

Grandparents

Baba

My paternal grandfather. He stayed with us in Assam during my early years. The dreamer inside me was nurtured by him. When I think of my childhood, I think of him. I was a spoilt brat since he pampered me too much and protected me from the wrath of my mother all the time (my mother was a tyrant during my growing up years).  I could get away with just anything. He was my first friend. I’d trouble him, cling to him, ask him hundreds of questions everyday and in the evenings, I’d drag him to a nearby shop so he could buy me chocolates. He used to tell me lots of stories. All sorts of stories but mostly the ones with a good moral teaching. I loved listening to him attentively and had even picked up his Ganjam accent( People from the Ganjam district of Orissa have a certain accent). Dad says I sounded really hilarious. It was because of Baba, I spoke Oriya  with a good clarity  and had a good vocabulary . It amazed people when they were told that I was living in Assam. There’s another memory which makes me smile when I think about him. He used to trim his own hair. Once,  I offered to help and he trusted me with the scissors. I made a real mess. He looked almost bald. All hell broke loose as soon as he saw himself in the mirror. I ran away before he could bash me up. The whole day, he was muttering under his breath that I was the devil in disguise and I wisely stayed out of his sight. These are some vague memories of my dearest Grandpa who left for his heavenly abode in the year 2003.

Thank you for nurturing the good in me.

Bou

My paternal Grandmother. She stayed in Orissa throughout and we would meet her only during our annual vacation. She was an amazing story teller, an extremely knowledgable lady, quiet, kind and very pious. It was her logical mind which appealed to me the most. It was rare for a lady of that generation to be so progressive and tolerant to changes. My mother says, she is the ideal mother-in-law one can have. It is because of her, education has been the most important thing in our family. My Granny encouraged everyone to think, question and then decide for themselves. She was the epitome of strength and was immensely loved by everyone. The day I entered the medical college, she was the happiest person. She told, ‘Nothing else matters if you are a compassionate, hard working and a generous doctor. I don’t expect anything less than that from you. When you are serving mankind, you are serving God’. That’s what she told me everytime she saw me. I hope I live up to that expectation. I lost her to death a month back. I really miss her.

Thank you for inspiring me to be strong and independent.

Aai

My maternal Grandmother. She is one really adorable person.  A hardcore feminist, progressive and loves experimenting with everything (her hairstyle, clothes, shoes, etc).. She is the real star, the style icon in our family. I absolutely love my Aai for she still has that spark, the zeal to grow, a will power that is rare in these times and the positive outlook. She has kept the child in her still alive and the child is so lovable. Often she tells me, ‘Your Grandfather was mean. When I wanted to work, he asked me to sit at home and look after the kids. I feel I supressed a part of me because of him.’ Then when I scold my Grandfather, he’d smile and say,’Those days, it was like that’. Then if I just say, ‘Grandpa, you’ve put on weight’, my granny would yell at me, ‘You shouldn’t say like that, he looks so weak. You should rather ask him to eat properly.' That’s the love between them after 52 years of togetherness. My Aai has a habit of worrying about silly little things. One fine day, I was reading something while she was busy knitting. All of a sudden, she kept aside her knitting kit and said, 'These days, almost all girls have boyfriends. Why don't you have one? What's wrong?' To say I was petrified would be an understatement. I lifted up the book so that it covered my blushing face and I mumbled, 'I am normal, that's all you should know. It's just that I don't have time.' 'Okay', she said sounding unconvinced and melancholic. Therefore, my brother calls her, 'Dukhi Aatma' (translated as the sad soul). She has got another name as well. This one is given by my younger sisters. 'Subhuchi' (translated as 'do you hear me?'). The reason behind this nomenclature is, every time she receives a call, she'll say, hello, subhuchi? (when that's something the other person should ask because she refuses to use the hearing aid that she has been prescribed since a few years)

Thank you for inspiring me to keep the child alive in me.

Aja

My paternal Grandfather. He is a wonderful man, one of a kind.  A thinker, philosopher and an avid reader. It was because of him I had read Osho when I was fourteen years old. (Though it was a delightful read, my Granny was devasted as she thought fourteen was the age to read lighter stuff). My spiritual quest began with that. He was the first person to share his insight on death with me. Me and my Aja have long discussions on lots of things specially about the books we read. What I love most about these discussions is, he is always open to new ideas. It amazes Mom because he never talks to anyone else that much. It’s just me and my elder sister. Other than reading books, he loves eating. He’d often ask me to bake a cake for him, especially the Lebanese cake. I love the way he relishes it saying, ‘very good’ with every bite. He gets upset when he has to share the cake with others. Then he also loves the Oreo biscuits, chocolates and MAGGI (I find him absolutely adorable when he would sit on the table with a bowl and a fork while the maggi is being prepared. He'd excitedly say, 'Now I'll have the two minute noodles.'). He’s a person who has to follow a routine. Exactly at 1 pm everyday, he’ll be walking around the dining table laying down the table mats, indicating that it’s lunch time. Our biggest similarity is, we are very clumsy. Well, he's a little more than me. No wonder my Granny is so paranoid. Even my Dad would sigh when Grandpa bangs hard the car door as he steps out. When I see his picture in my mind, I see him wearing a faded pair of jeans, a colorful t shirt, a pair of glasses in a black retro frame, sport shoes and a perfect smile. Rather a hearty laugh till tears spill out.

Thank you for inspiring me to love my quirks.

The Dark Maiden

I am not a maiden who pines for her knight,

Disrupt my peace and I’ll seize your sight.

Touch the dark side, I’ll annihalate your soul,

Whoever you are, you will decay as you fall.

For venomous is my dagger, cold is my heart

A word of malice and you will be ripped apart

Shrouded by magic, I am the epitome of power

Not colourful but the black immortal flower.

Desire is my slave and death, my mate

I am the darkest night who decides her fate.

My smile brings in the winter chill,

Creating  a frozen realm

My slumber, brings in the blossoming spring

A cheerful, happy dream.

O malevolent mortal, I see through you

I would ravage your life, if you are untrue.

Love Lost?

From her shrine of lilies, she rose

A maiden, a very beautiful prose

Walked the empyreal path of love

Putting a spell on the glum sky above

‘Cry’, she whispered,'let it all out’

‘Mourn not silently, my beloved’

‘Give away the ache, give away the doubt

 And come back from the land of the dead.’

As her seraph lover stirred,

The grey melancholia thundered

Twas an agony one had never heard.

Dark canopy of clouds stretched above

As he questioned his heart

If twas indeed her, his essence, his love.

The Enchantress smiled

She kissed away his tears and said,

‘Where wouldst I be without thee?

How canst our souls be torn apart?

Look within, my Love

I’d always be in thy heart’

Her words were the melody of a dream.

That comforted his soul in the twilight dim.

Christmas Wish

Where are you Christmas?

I think I found you

This time I’ll make you stay

You’ll hear us singing

Bells will be ringing

Now and forever, Christmas day…

I didn’t know this version of the song was there too. It took me long to discover it. Ten years back, on a Christmas evening, I was watching the movie, ‘Grinch’, all by myself, when this song began playing. I had tears in my eyes. Tears which refused to stop coursing down my cheeks. I could relate to that little girl, Cindy Lou when she sang with all the innocence -

Where are you Christmas?

Why can’t I find you?

Where have you gone away?

Where is the laughter, you used to bring me?

Why can’t I hear music play?

My world is changing, I’m rearranging

Does that mean Christmas changes too?

I was scared. What if the spirit of Christmas really did change some day? 

Cindy Lou was a believer, wasn't afraid of getting hurt (that's why she tried helping the Grinch) and she listened to her heart( which told her that Grinch wasn't all that bad). I pitied ‘the Grinch’ because he was trying hard to be vile, frightening and sadistic, when he was neither of those. He was just different and wasn’t understood. Today, after a decade, when I watched the movie (and coincidentally, it’s a beautiful Christmas evening, again), I could relate with the Grinch. I felt we aren’t too different. I had mixed feelings. I was sad, because the Cindy Lou in me wasn't supposed to change into the Grinch and was happy, because the Grinch has a change of heart in the end and Christmas hasn't changed.

I don’t want to think about the circumstances which turned me into the Grinch. There is no point in brooding over that. What I’m bothered about is, it’s time I peel off the multilayered façade before it becomes a part of me. I’ve had enough of keeping my heart chained. I want to be the person who felt, one who got overwhelmed easily, could express herself, react to pleasure and pain and most importantly, loved without restraints, without doubts.

This Christmas, I was shown a mirror and I didn’t like what I saw in that. It’s time for a change or rather undo the changes.

How I love the aura of this day! It’s magical! Since yesterday, I’ve been thinking about what should I be wishing for this Christmas. I know now. I wish to be myself. Take off the façade. I wish to stop being too defensive (in an attempt to protect myself). I wish everyone else good health and happiness.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Me, Eros and Agape

TO EROS

Drifting into the shadows, I disappear into nothing,

I believe, I’m the illusion but love is everything

I wouldn’t touch you, as some things don’t last,

I wouldn’t look back and dwell in the past.

I am…

If only I knew,

I’d have stayed close,

To nurture the memories of me and you

Life, death, aren’t all so true

They don’t breath like my dreams do.

TO AGAPE

I’m the Soul within you

I may not be real, but true

I'm the song in your heart’s cove,

When you play the lyre of love.

I am yours, now and would belong to you forever

Just a thought away, I am the flowing river.

Be my ocean, I’ll end in you.

Be my dream, I’ll live in you.

Meandering mossy path would lead you to my core

Whenever you want, enter the open door.

The Love Sought

If thou shalt love me, why wouldst that be?

What shalt it be, the reason, for thee,

To call me thy own and surrender thy soul

Shouldst it be my form and outwardly all,

I shalt say, it withers and won’t last long

Shouldst it be the heart and inwardly all,          

It changes gradually like the Earth’s song

When autumn gives way to winter

And winter to spring, spring to summer.

Love me, if thou shalt, not for me

Not for what canst be heard or seen.

Love me because loving is effortless for thee

Because love is like the fragrance of flowers,

Like the euphoric wind that’s wild and free

Love me like that is all you canst give                 

As easily as the breath you take, to live.

The Perfect Kiss

Deep woods, a mossy path, the moistened breeze,

Violets, dew drop kissed,

'Tis a sweet September.

The gurgling river, frolicking butterflies,

A vast green enchanting meadow,

A  walk together.

Twilight phantasm or the true paradise?

Created by the dark clouds and the slight thunder.

Under the tree bowers and the vines twined together.

His hands, with infinitesimal tenderness

Hold my fingers and draw me closer

Those chocolate brown, love filled eyes

Hold the soul captive, the mind sighs,

His warm breath thaws the frozen heart.

‘Never again shall it be cold,’ he whispers

Looking deep into my eyes.

'Because it'll stay here, now and forever'

He touches his heart.

As his lips gently kiss mine,

We feel the approving divine sign.

The first drops of rain step down

Blessing this moment so pristine.

Overwhelming, mystifying, pacifying.

Tears cloud my sight, spill out,

Masked by the façade of rain.
He tastes it on my lips, the salt

And gently cocoons me in his arms,

Craddling my head against himself.

‘We’ll always have this moment’,

He promises and kisses me again.

‘Tis the perfect kiss

The absolute bliss.

The Knight Speaks

A ballad of death filled the breeze

And I swayed to the mournful strain

The Elysium or thy beautiful eyes,

With many a sparkling amethyst,

What was it that eased the pain,

I wondered with a silent mirth

Whilst thou smiled touching this soul

Dragging me to the life’s pelagic coast

Thy sapphire eyes reminded me of us

Bound together many billion years ago

Tell me my Healer, my Moon Maiden,

How canst I let it be clouded by doubts

Or let it fade into the sky of oblivion?

I know not how to sing a love ballad

Know not how to weave magic with words

To sweep thou off thy feet.

My fair maiden, what shalt calm the unrest

Troubling thy pious essence,

This knight knows naught.

I have not got too many words to say,

These are the only ones I have.

Eternity is something I cannot promise

But I promise to protect thee, 

Cherish thee, as long as I breath.

I promise to love thee, only thee

Like the soul of air, fire, earth and water

Like the presence and warmth of the sun,

Like the soulful strains of nature,

Like the  pious hymns,

Like the dreams, like the nothingness,

Like the solitude, like the togetherness.

Not for an eternity, O Enchantress,

But for a moment beyond eternity.

Happy and Free!! Finally!!

It’s over! It’s over! It’s over! 2012 is over for me. My self imposed, year long house arrest is over. My time being grumpy is over. The anxiety period is over. The uncertainty is over. In other words, the bloody post graduate entrance examinations are over!  I’m not going to be a zombie anymore, I have liberated my heart. Yes, you heard it right, my heart, you can speak now for it’s time for the logical mind to take rest and watch you have fun.

What shall I do now? I’ll begin with laughing and crying out loud for everything that happened in the last one year. It was difficult not reacting to anything but I did it. Whenever the heart wanted to talk about pain or wished to do a ‘Mr Bean’ dance, the mind would ask it to shut up and not distract it from focussing on the vision. At times the heart would get upset with the mind and the mind, after a lot of pleading would let it write something or listen to some music. Was that difficult?  Yes!

What next? I’ll have a talk with the knight and convey his message to his lady love (that’s going to be my next poem). I WILL get the guitar repaired, learn it and sing to my heart’s content. Then I have a huge list of books to read. Oh yes, I’ll go out often. To Full Cirle, Café Turtle and the Daryaganj Sunday Book Mart. Heavenly places they are. I’ll be meeting my soul sister, friend, guide and philosopher, Mayurakshi Ba ( you call ‘Ba’ to an elder sister in Assamese) and resume those never ending conversations over the phone with all my good friends.

Soon my brother would be home and we are going to have so much fun. Bake a lot, eat a lot, sing a lot, record a lot and of course talk a lot. After a really long time, the whole family would be together this Christmas and New Year eve. After ages, I’ll have no sword hanging over my head during the festivities. Ah! I’m euphoric!! Time to pack my bags for I’m flying off tomorrow to meet my extended family.

Hold on, hold on! The best part of this day was, as I stepped out of the examination hall, the winter rain, the lovely fragrance of the flowers carried by the chilly wind embraced my soul and thus approved of my freedom and happiness! I am glad my year ended this way. I don't know about the results and the next course of action. For a change, they don't matter. The next month would be definitely better. Cheers to life and the joie de vivre!

It Remains...

Touch the reins of solitude,
It doth speak.
Unseen orb of the eclipsed sun,
Doth live...
Often souls feel,
The melancholic notes of a lost strain
The wounds might have healed,
The memories remain.

Faint fragrance of the roses linger,
Even after they wither,
Moulder, go away forever.
Love, that's drowned
In the divine ocean of hearts,
For ages remains...
Felt; never put in words,
Yet it remains.

The Rain - An Orison

Emperor of the pristine isles,
'Twixt the azure paradise.
Undying is thy redolence,
Thy resplendence mists all eyes.

Immortal as the Asphodel,
Enchanting as the amethyst
For aught I know thou light the Soul
Thou art the purest, the divinest.

Chrysolites kisseth the mazarine seas
Ferns and creepers dance in ecstasy.
The seranades fill the abode of peace,
As the mind wanders into a fantasy. 

Divine Love

She walks by, one Autumn morn,
Blowing a kiss to the silent sky
Swaying to a long lost song
Here she comes, one, who is like none.
She watches the memories drifting along
Once again, an enchantment is born
Her eyes, the mysterious seas glowing,
Smile, as the dark night is gone.
Inhaling deeply, she feels the life flowing
Love; it's there, far yet near
'Where art thou? '
She whispers to the wind blowing
It's something, she has always known.
The Autumn rain caresses her
It brings about a serenity
Soothing an ache, a longing, a fear
The fear of drowning
In the ocean of insanity.
She stops as her search is over
And there he is, with her, smiling
Her twin soul for eternity.

Death

How do you feel when you hear this word? Uneasy? Scared? Indifferent? Helpless? Some of us would have some thoughts on how it might feel, when the end comes. Some prefer avoiding those thoughts altogether.  Some of us believe in an afterlife, some believe in absolute disintegration… What’s closer to truth, nobody knows. Our courtship with death begins the moment we are born. A very steady courtship. Why is it so harsh then, the prospect of death? What’s the apprehension about? Pain or uncertainty or perhaps, a permanent loss? There has to be something about it that the mere mention of this inevitable event brings about gloom and despair. So I shall dissect these apprehensions with my understanding of things around. First, is the belief that there is a lot of suffering while dying. I don’t think we are capable of the same emotions while dying as the ones we contemplate beforehand. Yes, I do feel there is a restlessness and anxiety in the initial moments of realisation but then, doesn’t it happen with the anticipation of just any kind of major change? Eventually, the mental powers get dull, so do the bodily functions. Along with these, the emotions start getting blunt. Therefore, I feel, in the last moments of consciousness, there’s not much displeasure left. Perhaps, one realises that, ‘We all must die one day’ has changed to ‘I must die now’ and has accepted it.

The next apprehension is uncertainty. What next? Where are we going after death? Is there an afterlife? Would we be judged by a higher power for the deeds on Earth? Would we be reincarnated? Honestly, I don’t have the answers to these. A lot of people have a lot of theories. I have got one too. Why care about it when the thing doing the thinking and the entity which can feel would lie mouldering in a grave or be burnt to ashes? It’s good to be curious but is it worth it? Even if there is an invisible essence going to an invisible realm, it can’t be judged or punished or rewarded. Right, wrong, punishment, reward are the creations of the human mind. Yes, I have heard and read what the religious scriptures say but I still believe it’s all in the mind. I may not be religious but I do believe in a higher power which doesn’t ‘think’ like us. It’s beyond any description or the human understanding. I don't negate the existence of an afterlife, reincarnation, karma, the concept of heaven and hell. I am curious to know more, I am open to ideas, like a lot of people but nothing about them would constitute the absolute facts in my mind. 

The last but not the least, is a permanent loss. It is human to form bonds of love with other humans, to get attached and to empathise. The loss of a beloved in a way that it can’t be reversed is painful indeed. The memories, the place the person had in our hearts, the happy times shared together, the unique quirks of the person, the habits, the touch, the smile, the warmth, the shared dreams, all of these and a lot of things would always bring tears to the eyes. Healing takes time and is a gradual process but healing does happen. It’s just a matter of time. All we need to do is be patient and believe that we'll heal, believe that the misery would go away. I accept it's easier said than done but this is the foundation to a healthy healing process, understanding what's in our hands and what's beyond us. It isn’t all that gruesome if we think. Neither is there a necessity to think about it at all. Let’s make an effort to live the way that makes us happy and cherish the good things around. That way, we’ll be ready when the courtship ends.

For Him

I fear thy love, thy touch, O gallant Knight,

Memories totter forth, they cloud my sight

What if the lamp of passion and warmth shatters
And the splendor of a million stars is lost forever
What if thy heart no longer yearns or remembers
And leaves my soul alone and naked to frost  


The sweet solemn spell of thy celestial presence
Beckons my heart from the deep, dark wilderness
Where mouldering flowers stir in thy luminescence
And bitumen lakes glisten with silent reverence
It overwhelms me, my Knight, this love, its essence,

Its rapture and the soul dissolving existence 

Tell me, O Spirit of Love, this isn't a dream of thee
Beloved as thou art, it mustn’t die upon my heart
Many a dream came, withered and got lost in me
Yet I stand bare, basked in the autumn serenity.
Make my soul thine, O gallant Knight
If thou shalt promise to hold it for an eternity.

The Truth

Behold the azure veil, the heart canst feel its secrets,
Secrets lost to mortality, lost to the scratched mind
Mindlessly wandering for ages, their eyes blind.
'Who am I and why am I here?
Why wouldn't I be there forever? '
'I', the greatest illusion living,
Haunting the soul, the agony never ending
Is the abyss of insanity
A dream stretching infinitely.
Wake up; thou art not alive in dreams
When thy soul is bound by deafening screams.
Feel thy heart, listen to it speak
Aren't the words, the only truth?
Concealing the mystical paradise
Visible only to the enlightened eyes
Release thy soul from the bondage.
Salvation; it's here and now.
Help thy mind understand the mirage
O wanderer in the obscure maze.

Thou Art Mine

Unutterable love touched my heart
In the silence of solitude, when I met thee.
Love was thou, or thou, love
Was a beautiful mystery to me
My soul gazed into thy depth
And felt the gorgeous dewy morn
The pious hymn brought along a faith
Faith, which could never be gone
An innocent love swayed to a muted strain
Knew not the poison of pain
Time froze, no moment passed by
There reigned a passion so insane
Thou art miles away, still I feel you in me
Eyes can't see you but we meet
Every moment in my dreams
This love of mine is bathed in sanctity
Love, know it, feel it
When thou art there my world is lit
Listen and touch the notes in my entity
Thou art my heart, thou art my soul
Thou art mine for eternity. 

She...

Whilst the moon gets possessed by her tranquil light,

Her laughing eyes mesmerize the darkest night.

The earth feels the warmth of her benign presence,

Every soul surrenders to her pious luminescence.

Once a pilgrim, she's the Goddess of the unknown,

Once a dreamer, she's the dream of every dawn.

She walks on the path seldom taken,
Known by the mortals, 'the mysterious maiden'.

Her soft touch takes in the most excruciating pain,

The aches inside, come out, as she feels the rain.

She heals with her words, the broken and wounded

She haunts the hearts and minds of the blinded.


She holds the joy of living in her eyes,

She strews the fragrance of peace into the skies.

She dances and sings; believes not in tomorrow.

Forever euphoric, she knows no sorrow.


She's the bloom of the Spring and the calm of Autumn,

She's the darkness of eclipse and the scorch of the sun.

A lot of orange, a bit of yellow and some electric blue,

Touching her heart, she says, 'I'm always with you'.