Love

Illusion, reality
Insanity, lucidity
I exist yet I don't
Like the footprints on the sand
Like the sleeping man's land
Define me, I'm a delusion
Touch me, I'm hallucination
Stand away, pine not for me
Look within in silence
And you'll know me.

How Can I Love?

A flickering, helpless flame
In the gentle breeze
In thy heart's crptic cove
I am a faint echo heard
Let me fade into vacuity
Promise me, thou shalt not love.


I turn pages, staring into the sky
They make noise,
The broken fragments of my heart
How long shall I wear the cape
And the deceptive mask of joy?
Promise me, thou shalt drift apart.


Lost soul, she refuses to heal
Refuses to cry and let the hurt out
Refuses the gentle embrace of fate
Refuses to believe what she feels
How can she open herself to thee
Promise me, thou shalt not wait.

Pilgrimage

Unfathomable love, thou art the elixir of sentience

The alkahest sought by a wandering alchemist

Who walks on a dreary path to attain thy effulgence

Unperturbed by the lunatic eddies of the winter mist.

A lone bard in the midst of a convulsing ocean

Awaits the mighty gale to carry her to the shore

A pelagic coast, where the ballads are serene

And the chime of love reverberates from its core.

The celestial glitter in the naive heart’s ruby streams

Nourishing life, its mysteries and its infinite joys

Is the essence of elements forming reality and dreams

Heal her soul, lead her to salvation, O divine voice.

Love #4

‘Love’ and ‘Soulmate’… What comes to your mind when you think of these words? The first thing that comes to my mind is a simple bliss and then a lot of other things follow. I’d like you to think about the time when love was a new idea to you. Opening your heart exclusively to someone was a joyous thought. Think about the time when movies like Dying Young, Pretty Woman, A Walk to Remember, Amelie, Serendipity, A City of Angels, When Harry met Sally, Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Ghost, If Only, etc touched a chord within you in a way that almost made you want to sell your soul to the devil for the one you could love for an eternity. This is the simple bliss I am talking about. Uncomplicated, enchanting, pious, innocent and extremely generous. If only it stayed at that.

With time, a maturity comes, the mind takes over, it begins balancing emotions for survival. The world isn't very kind at all times. Now, what are the ‘lot of things’ that follow the simple bliss at let’s say, the mid twenties? For me, my top priorities are my career (I need to be independent and have a purpose in life other than being just the nurturer of a family) and my parents (I need to take care of them in every way I can). Then there are a few apprehensions like the responsibilities that come with a relationship (I take my responsibilities very seriously so it can be really stressful), the extreme fear of childbirth (We all have our irrational fears otherwise called phobias. This is one of mine and if I am in a relationship, it’s not going to be about just me), professional incompatibility ( I believe, two people must be equally passionate about what they do and be supportive to each other), the compulsion to be more social, to do things I don’t wish to do (I don’t have a problem in socializing. It's just that I love my solitude and can only accommodate my loved ones in my personal space), my mood swings, musical incompatibility (It’s a massive problem and I have no tolerance for it), uncomfortable silence and a few other things. There I said it. These are my vices or are they? They too contribute in making me who I am. Can I still love? Yes, in my own way. Not like the submissive, fragile and sacrificing women the Mills and Boon books talk about. I have erected my own barriers. I am not sure breaking them down is the right thing to do. Perhaps, when I find Mr. Right, I might? But with these barriers, would I even find him?

I will. Once somebody asked me, ‘If you could choose the kind of romance you wanted in your life, which book or movie should it be like?’ I didn't have an answer then. Today, I do. Every life is unique, every love story is unique and every person’s spark of madness is different. My man, my love story, my life won’t resemble anything I've read or seen. It’ll be tailor made just for me. It’ll be my missing piece and it won’t fit anywhere else. So, despite my unconventional thought process, my unconventional ideas regarding life, love and other things, I’ll find him and I’ll have my unconventional love story. Unconventional doesn't denote something that'd embarrass the people who love me. It might so happen, after a decade, I might laugh at this blog post but for now, I seek love yet I am scared of letting it come in a way that’ll turn my world upside down. Not because it’s mighty. It’s because I will let it render me helpless. Being helpless is the last thing I wish to be.

From The Depth Of My Heart

If I never find you, my love

If I never find the lost fragment

Of this restless soul.

If I don’t hear the voice

I so dearly wish to hear

If I don’t palpate your presence

If I don’t hear your heartbeat

If I don’t hold your hand

Draw invisible pictures

With my finger, on your palm

If I don’t sing to you

The songs in my heart

If I don’t hold you tight

When fear pulls me apart

If life drifts to its winter

Without a glimpse of you

If you being mine, only mine

Someday, somewhere, very soon

Is a figment of my imagination

It’ll still be worth it.

Dreaming about finding you

Hoping to be close to you

Smiling all the while I wait for you

For I believe in you, I believe

Someday, somewhere, very soon

You and me together will be true
Because I love you.

A Spooky Tale

It was an eerie night. The wind wailed like a heartbroken banshee. She sat smiling peevishly to herself, oblivious to the sinister night and thought of the ways she could disturb the peace of the sleeping household. She was no longer scared of the darkness or the invisible for she thought, ‘I am born out of the darkness and am the invisible’s nightmare.’ She lives in a world of fantasy. Sometimes she's Jean Grey and sometimes she's The Phoenix. She moved around the house, swaying to a bizarre melody in her head that had once scared her when she was a child. Something is not right here. What do you call a child who never stops being a child? Let’s rephrase it. It was the haunting melody that had scared her a decade back. The music that played when The Undertaker entered the ring. How she loved the wrestler! So, while it played in her head, she walked towards the master bedroom where her parents slept. It was dark as she entered. Just then she heard the bathroom door close. She glanced over the bed and realized it was her mother in the bathroom. Her grin widened as the stage was perfectly set for the idea in her head. She let her tresses fall over her face and stood waiting patiently, to pounce upon her prey.

Her eyes drowsy and half closed, the Mother stepped out. The poor unsuspecting victim. The Girl suddenly jumped in front of her. The Mother was petrified and her eyes widened in pure terror. All  the remnants of sleep dissipated. A weirdly muffled scream somehow escaped her throat. The Father woke up with a start. Before they could realize what happened, the Girl ran into the bathroom and bolted it shut. When she thought, everything was calm outside; she stepped out trying hard to suppress her laughter as her mother’s shocked face kept flashing in her mind. While she stealthily walked out of the master bedroom, she heard her mother say, ‘You wait till I get my hands on you. I might have had a cardiac arrest, you spoilt brat.’ A soft giggle floated in the air and the Girl ran out of the room.

She lingered around the dining hall feeling victorious and complacent. All the excitement got her parched. So she poured herself a glass of water and had taken the first sip when she heard the clang of bangles in the silence of the intense darkness. There was somebody at the other side of the table. As the sound of the anklets approached her, the water in her mouth refused to move past her throat. She spilled it out, placed the glass on the table and ran as fast as her feet could carry her into the master bedroom. She slid into the covers beside her mother and hugged her tight.

The Girl –‘Mommy. Please let me sleep here. I am scared.

The Mother – ‘Go, get your blanket’

The Girl – Please Mommy, let me stay here. I can’t go out. You have to understand.'

The Mother – ‘Serves you right and please grow up.’

Who was the ghost in the dining hall? It was the Grandmother. After she had her drink, she went mumbling into her room, ‘What’s wrong with this girl? She wanders around the house at 2.30 am and spits out water here and there.’

Happy Me!

The hiatus is over. I know it’s too soon but this happens to be the maximum duration of my baseless gloomy spells. My secret shifters do work. When has the gloom ever worth the time it makes one waste? So the sooner it’s gone, the better it is. Today I’m insanely happy. Why am I happy?

Is it the silly jumping around the house with ‘Breakeven’ by ‘The Script’ playing in the background? (It makes me feel alive.)

Is it the facial in a beauty parlor nearby that burnt a hole in my pocket? (I look good to me though and I feel good too)

Is it because Mr. Pixie thinks he’s a dog and licks me whenever I touch him? (He is so adorable when he does that. His tongue is so tiny.)

My lil fur ball of joy!

Is it because of the wonderful book that I’ve been reading called, ‘Stillness Speaks’ by Echart Tolle? (It’s so positive)

Is it because these days I enjoy being the referee when my grandparents have their childish squabbles? (Seeing them get in touch with their inner child gladdens my heart)

Is it because a stranger I met in the supermarket thinks I'm a school going 'kid'? (Ah! What shall I say about the feeling! I almost squealed in delight.)

I don’t know what it is. What I know is, when life gives me a million reasons to smile, why not just smile and let go of anything that’s displeasing. This moment, I have one good reason to be happy, which is, I’m alive and can find a way out of my misery. My happiness lies within me. It’s just that I forget to look in there at times. When one finds the tranquility within, one can observe the happy world around. One can either choose that or open up the umbrella of gloom and sit beneath it. I think, when it comes to being happy or unhappy, we have a free will.

Oh yes! I know what happened! It rained yesterday! What else do I need to be happy? The perfect cocktail of joy for me is a blend of Rain, Einaudi and my Dreams.

Enlightenment

Blessed by the chaste kiss of Seshat
Her refulgent soul began its journey
Through a ruined leprous Paradise
To spread the light of intellect.
To inspire the cursed derelict
Ignorance coaxed by the Spirit so tender
Abandoned his splendid nest
He looked on with a curious smile
As Enlightenment stepped in to rest.
A mute lightning brightened the sky
On a dark canopied starless night
And seeped into man to be his sight.
Seshat smiled in her divine realm
For an era had come to an end
The gloom of the night faded as it rained
Marking the Rising Sun's reign.

On Women's Day

The life I lead

My words, my thoughts

Expressing my desires

Love and indifference

To nurture or to let go

Create or to destroy

Happiness, Unhappiness

To embrace or to walk away

My ideas, reasons, my ways

Actions and reactions

To do what I wish to

And ignore what I want to

To be selfish or selfless

To accommodate or manipulate

The whole of the Universe,

Are the choices I make.

I am a powerful woman.

Light Of Sirius

Tresses like midnight, cascaded down

Her hypnotic brown eyes looked on.

Sere woods guided her pious presence

Into the depth of its austere calmness

Her ruby lips whispered a sacred orison.

On her heart, delicate fingers rested upon

The gleam receded when her eyes closed

Lost in a trance, the light of life froze.

The soul, liberated from her divine asylum

Told her tale to the valiant, odorous gale

His melodious words echoed around the vale

Promising to carry her to the hidden realm.

He whisked her into the realm, blissful and bright

All along, it was her; she was the immortal light,

Its fragment, exquisitely veiled by the human eyes.

As they blended; it erased the pain, the memories

Bathed in the divine luminescence of the Creator,

The brightest star of a galaxy held her in its core

For she had mastered her lessons in life to be whole

Twas time to master death and be a part of vacuum.

Chaos And A Wishlist

An hour back, a beautiful idea seeped into my mind which could have inspired my next poem. By the time I switched on the computer and clicked on the Microsoft Word icon, it evanesced… I am a little restless. Not because my idea deceived my memory. There are a lot of things happening or rather not happening. Leisure is bliss though too much of it makes me paranoid. I blame the idiotic medical education system of India for causing the restlessness in me today. No, not just today but everyday since the last four months. (Four months? No. Since forever). This is where I should scream or binge on a lot of pastries and break my ‘Eat Healthy’ promise to myself. I’ll stop cribbing now before the negativity takes over my mind. I believe, the unpleasantness just magnifies and suffocates a happy heart when the mind over analyses or is obsessed with it.

What’ll make me happy right now? Since I am typing already and am too lazy to do anything else, I think, I’ll make a list of the wishes that should come true before I turn 30.

1. I’ll open my heart yet I’ll NOT fall in love

That’s it! That’s the only thing that comes to my mind right now. That’s what delayed exam results do to people. But you know what; there could have been worse things to bring about unhappiness in my life and I'm glad it's just this.

*After 30 minutes of introspection and playing Criminal Case on Facebook*

My mind is calmer now as I am a little sleepy. Or am I sleepy because the mind is calmer? That’s an after effect of the chaos. I’ll add some more wishes to the list.

2.   I’ll sleep under a tree in Cote d’Azur

3.   Wander aimlessly on the streets of Paris

4.   Write poems in Giverny

5.   Day dream in Provence

6.   Find a lost love in Annecy but WON’T fall in love
7.   Sing the songs of Evanescence in front of a nice crowd
8.   Look for an 'ek mukhi rudraksh' in the forests of Arunachal Pradesh
9.   Meditate for an hour in the Mawphlang forest in Meghalaya
10. Visit the Buddhist monasteries in Tawang

Hope you are listening to me O Soul of the Universe… I have these wishes and a deadline. Please make them come true.

Time to sleep.

Love #3

The occult truth, based on which the occult science has come into being is that, the cause of all events in human life is really internal; proceeding from the cause of the causes. There is a part of the human psyche which is really powerful, which knows what’s about to happen. Yet we live in a state of mystery. Now, the question is, is it really all mysterious – the future? The higher intelligence is blocked by so many barriers, clouded by prejudices and conditioning, deafened by the chaos created in the inner as well as the outer world. Have you ever listened to the first voice? Have you ever acted upon the first impulse? Please don’t do that if you do not have a calm, observant mind. If you don't have a mind which doesn't complicate things and is not provoked easily. Love #3 isn't about this. Well, not entirely. I just got carried away and it’s fun to write down the thoughts in the mind, the way they come.

I watched a very beautiful movie yesterday – The Italian Key and the alter ego (the dreamer) took over. Anything which starts with, 'Once upon a time, there was a girl who didn't believe in love' makes me really curious. As you can predict, she did fall in love in the end. I couldn't resist thinking about romance and the chain of ideas it brought to the mind, yet again (In case you are wondering, I am never tired of it). Every character in the movie had a love story and every love story was charmingly different. What connected all of them was the need to be loved and to love. Something that came effortlessly, something that had no logic behind. Something that just felt good. All of us have a certain idea or a wish regarding the anticipated love in our lives, especially the love between us and the ones we decide to share our lives with. I don’t know about the others but I've visualised little blissful moments with an unknown beloved in my mind, like a chaste, tender kiss on the forehead or cuddling together reading the same book on a rainy evening or having a laughing fit over something hilarious, just for the two of us or holding hands while crossing the road. There are so many such beautiful pictures in my mind which I wish should come true. But when I’ll love someone, it wouldn't be because he kisses me on the forehead or holds my hand or hugs me tight. I’ll love him because it feels right for me to love him exclusively. It’ll never be about him but about my ability to open my heart to someone, bare my soul in a way that wouldn't have been possible around anyone else. I’ll know when he comes into my life and when I know, I’ll love without restraints, without conditions, without judging, without doubts. What if I don’t find him? I've got nothing to lose. I’d prepare myself to love him and being loved by him, by learning to open my heart when I try to heal. At the end of the day, I’ll be happy and wouldn't regret the delay in meeting him. They say, when it's a perfect union, loving humanity becomes a greater priority than getting too involved in each other's lives because the togetherness is as easy and vital as breathing. What if it's imperfect? It won't be. You see what you want to see. You get what you truly seek. I'd have winked here. Fear is a wish to the Universe, as Rhonda Byrne would have said. So, let's keep it away. I’m an insane optimist. Do I need to say anything else?

Falling In Love

Into the arms of love, I fell

Like a restless maple leaf

That swayed with the wind

To be gently placed

On the Terra's warm shelf 

Into the depth of love, I fell

Like a solemn, dying fish

That let itself be drifted away

To be buried deep
Like a beautiful fulfilled wish

Into the abyss of love, I fell

Like the sightless from a cliff

Who believed to be led away

Into a brightly lit world

Where a new life breathed.

I fell; I didn't see but felt

For love wasn't the terrain

Neither was it the ocean bed

Twas a realm in an open heart

Where another blissful heart lived