‘Love’ and ‘Soulmate’… What comes to your mind when you think of these words? The first thing that comes to my mind is a simple bliss and then a lot of other things follow. I’d like you to think about the time when love was a new idea to you. Opening your heart exclusively to someone was a joyous thought. Think about the time when movies like Dying Young, Pretty Woman, A Walk to Remember, Amelie, Serendipity, A City of Angels, When Harry met Sally, Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Ghost, If Only, etc touched a chord within you in a way that almost made you want to sell your soul to the devil for the one you could love for an eternity. This is the simple bliss I am talking about. Uncomplicated, enchanting, pious, innocent and extremely generous. If only it stayed at that.
With time, a maturity comes, the mind takes over, it begins balancing emotions for survival. The world isn't very kind at all times. Now, what are the ‘lot of things’ that follow the simple bliss at let’s say, the mid twenties? For me, my top priorities are my career (I need to be independent and have a purpose in life other than being just the nurturer of a family) and my parents (I need to take care of them in every way I can). Then there are a few apprehensions like the responsibilities that come with a relationship (I take my responsibilities very seriously so it can be really stressful), the extreme fear of childbirth (We all have our irrational fears otherwise called phobias. This is one of mine and if I am in a relationship, it’s not going to be about just me), professional incompatibility ( I believe, two people must be equally passionate about what they do and be supportive to each other), the compulsion to be more social, to do things I don’t wish to do (I don’t have a problem in socializing. It's just that I love my solitude and can only accommodate my loved ones in my personal space), my mood swings, musical incompatibility (It’s a massive problem and I have no tolerance for it), uncomfortable silence and a few other things. There I said it. These are my vices or are they? They too contribute in making me who I am. Can I still love? Yes, in my own way. Not like the submissive, fragile and sacrificing women the Mills and Boon books talk about. I have erected my own barriers. I am not sure breaking them down is the right thing to do. Perhaps, when I find Mr Right, I might? But with these barriers, would I even find him?
I will. Once somebody asked me, ‘If you could choose the kind of romance you wanted in your life, which book or movie should it be like?’ I didn't have an answer then. Today, I do. Every life is unique, every love story is unique and every person’s spark of madness is different. My man, my love story, my life won’t resemble anything I've read or seen. It’ll be tailor made just for me. It’ll be my missing piece and it won’t fit anywhere else. So, despite my unconventional thought process, my unconventional ideas regarding life, love and other things, I’ll find him and I’ll have my unconventional love story. Unconventional doesn't denote something that'd embarrass the people who love me. It might so happen, after a decade, I might laugh at this blog post but for now, I seek love yet I am scared of letting it come in a way that’ll turn my world upside down. Not because it’s mighty. It’s because I will let it render me helpless. Being helpless is the last thing I wish to be.