Another Soliloquy

The background music: Part of me by By the coast

I am looking at the tarot cards spread in front of me, trying to figure out the answer to the question, 'Would I find love in 2021?'

The Oracle message says, 'The key to prayer is to forget what I think I need'.

A part of me says, 'Haven't you had enough?'

I guess,  I have had enough for a million lifetimes. A massive heartbreak and an impending divorce. Oh yes, quite enough.

But I'm not closing my heart. I'll not allow myself to be bitter. That's not me. Hearts break but they don't stop beating. There has been a huge transformation this year. I writhed in agony, died but I rose from the grave again. Intact, if I may add.

There are so many things I'm grateful for! I've been blessed with a beautiful family, a very satisfying job, kind people around and good health.

I'm not very coherent tonight. I just don't want to be. Afterall, it's the last day of a very chaotic year. 

Let me write down another list of traits. Traits that I wish my future partner has (if I ever meet him ). The previous list had 50 traits. The new one has just 5 so it is absolutely non-negotiable. These are:

1. Spiritually enlightened

2. Capable of honest, unconditional love

3. Kind, respectful and gentle (not one but three, I know)

4. One who stays

5. Understanding

I'll stop being silly now. But then, I'm a dreamer. I'll always believe in a happily ever after no matter how many times I'm broken to pieces or ripped to shreds or burnt to ashes.

The Tower

There is a card in the Tarot called ‘The Tower’. You can see terrified people falling off a burning tower and the background is absolutely dark. Needless to say, this isn’t one of my favourite cards in the deck despite it promising rebirth or resurrection. It’s an endless cycle, after all. No end is truly the end. There’s always a new beginning. Also, nothing lasts forever.

Well, this took some time to sink in. Yesterday, I had a ‘tower’ moment. Something within was shaken, uprooted and burnt to ashes. I mourned it for quite a long time. The mind always knew that the foundation was weak, there were delicate, highly inflammable gossamery dreams all around but you see, the foolish heart refused to take them down. It never does listen which is the worst thing about it. It just keeps weaving and decorating those delicate dreams everywhere to watch them get destroyed. Oh, the perseverance! 

I cried - Twenty hours straight without a break. It went on even when I was trying to sing ‘My Immortal’ by Amy Lee. Poor lacrimal glands of mine worked really hard to keep up with the overwhelming emotions. The mind was spewing venom at the Universe asking a lot of ‘whys’. And then he came, my guardian angel, the rain. He never lets me cry alone. Never! He put me to sleep. I was drained when I woke up. Then I read those heart breaking words, yet again and began crying. After an hour of lying in the foetal position, when I thought I’ll take a break from work to wallow in self-pity for another day, a distant relative called who was diagnosed with ALS (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis), a fatal disease. She was admitted in the institute where I work and wanted to see me. Epiphany struck! I cannot let the devil choke me to insanity when there are worse things people are struggling with, especially, when they are being helplessly dragged towards death. This made me sit up straight and I began my session of self-healing. As long as I am alive and have my spark intact, I can do something for myself and the world, right? The healing included reassuring my heart that there’s something better out there. After an hour and a half, I was back to normal. I met my relative on my way to work.

Now let me talk about the thing that burnt the tower. 

Once upon a time, there lived an Empress and an Emperor who were blessed with a daughter. The Princess grew up in a very protected environment and was the apple of her parents' eye. She believed in the good. Then she had to venture out to learn about the ways of the world and pave her own path. She was on her quest to become a warrior of light. There was one problem though, she had this wish to fall in love with a good man and live happily ever after. There was nothing wrong with the wish but the problem was her life path couldn’t accommodate the expectations of the society and the men she met would not understand that. Ones who pretended to understand had their own demons to battle with so they would leave half way after pulling her close and making a million false promises. She never believed them for she was awakened enough but she always hoped they would see the honesty in her emotions and try speaking their truth which never happened. This pathological optimism or rather expectation burnt the tower.

The story cannot be concluded here without the promise of a future.

What does she do now? She needs to keep walking on her path, raise her vibration and be the Empress she has always wanted to be. Rest will fall into place. An Empress doesn't need an Emperor to reign. 

The Divorce - Her Story

There'd be her version, there'd be his version. But the truth will be somewhere in between the two.

The cup got empty,  there was nothing to give

He didn't see it or rather chose not to

Time, as it passed, watched her grieve

She no longer had the man she could run to

The bond began breaking, her glory derided

She had to lose him to find her spark again

The end was inevitable, she bled, he bled

They had to part ways to let go of the pain