Happy and Free!! Finally!!

It’s over! It’s over! It’s over! 2012 is over for me. My self imposed, year long house arrest is over. My time being grumpy is over. The anxiety period is over. The uncertainty is over. In other words, the bloody post graduate entrance examinations are over!  I’m not going to be a zombie anymore, I have liberated my heart. Yes, you heard it right, my heart, you can speak now for it’s time for the logical mind to take rest and watch you have fun.

What shall I do now? I’ll begin with laughing and crying out loud for everything that happened in the last one year. It was difficult not reacting to anything but I did it. Whenever the heart wanted to talk about pain or wished to do a ‘Mr Bean’ dance, the mind would ask it to shut up and not distract it from focussing on the vision. At times the heart would get upset with the mind and the mind, after a lot of pleading would let it write something or listen to some music. Was that difficult?  Yes!

What next? I’ll have a talk with the knight and convey his message to his lady love (that’s going to be my next poem). I WILL get the guitar repaired, learn it and sing to my heart’s content. Then I have a huge list of books to read. Oh yes, I’ll go out often. To Full Cirle, Café Turtle and the Daryaganj Sunday Book Mart. Heavenly places they are. I’ll be meeting my soul sister, friend, guide and philosopher, Mayurakshi Ba ( you call ‘Ba’ to an elder sister in Assamese) and resume those never ending conversations over the phone with all my good friends.

Soon my brother would be home and we are going to have so much fun. Bake a lot, eat a lot, sing a lot, record a lot and of course talk a lot. After a really long time, the whole family would be together this Christmas and New Year eve. After ages, I’ll have no sword hanging over my head during the festivities. Ah! I’m euphoric!! Time to pack my bags for I’m flying off tomorrow to meet my extended family.

Hold on, hold on! The best part of this day was, as I stepped out of the examination hall, the winter rain, the lovely fragrance of the flowers carried by the chilly wind embraced my soul and thus approved of my freedom and happiness! I am glad my year ended this way. I don't know about the results and the next course of action. For a change, they don't matter. The next month would be definitely better. Cheers to life and the joie de vivre!

It Remains...

Touch the reins of solitude,
It doth speak.
Unseen orb of the eclipsed sun,
Doth live...
Often souls feel,
The melancholic notes of a lost strain
The wounds might have healed,
The memories remain.

Faint fragrance of the roses linger,
Even after they wither,
Moulder, go away forever.
Love, that's drowned
In the divine ocean of hearts,
For ages remains...
Felt; never put in words,
Yet it remains.

The Rain - An Orison

Emperor of the pristine isles,
'Twixt the azure paradise.
Undying is thy redolence,
Thy resplendence mists all eyes.

Immortal as the Asphodel,
Enchanting as the amethyst
For aught I know thou light the Soul
Thou art the purest, the divinest.

Chrysolites kisseth the mazarine seas
Ferns and creepers dance in ecstasy.
The seranades fill the abode of peace,
As the mind wanders into a fantasy. 

Divine Love

She walks by, one Autumn morn,
Blowing a kiss to the silent sky
Swaying to a long lost song
Here she comes, one, who is like none.
She watches the memories drifting along
Once again, an enchantment is born
Her eyes, the mysterious seas glowing,
Smile, as the dark night is gone.
Inhaling deeply, she feels the life flowing
Love; it's there, far yet near
'Where art thou? '
She whispers to the wind blowing
It's something, she has always known.
The Autumn rain caresses her
It brings about a serenity
Soothing an ache, a longing, a fear
The fear of drowning
In the ocean of insanity.
She stops as her search is over
And there he is, with her, smiling
Her twin soul for eternity.

Death

How do you feel when you hear this word? Uneasy? Scared? Indifferent? Helpless? Some of us would have some thoughts on how it might feel, when the end comes. Some prefer avoiding those thoughts altogether.  Some of us believe in an afterlife, some believe in absolute disintegration… What’s closer to truth, nobody knows. Our courtship with death begins the moment we are born. A very steady courtship. Why is it so harsh then, the prospect of death? What’s the apprehension about? Pain or uncertainty or perhaps, a permanent loss? There has to be something about it that the mere mention of this inevitable event brings about gloom and despair. So I shall dissect these apprehensions with my understanding of things around. First, is the belief that there is a lot of suffering while dying. I don’t think we are capable of the same emotions while dying as the ones we contemplate beforehand. Yes, I do feel there is a restlessness and anxiety in the initial moments of realisation but then, doesn’t it happen with the anticipation of just any kind of major change? Eventually, the mental powers get dull, so do the bodily functions. Along with these, the emotions start getting blunt. Therefore, I feel, in the last moments of consciousness, there’s not much displeasure left. Perhaps, one realises that, ‘We all must die one day’ has changed to ‘I must die now’ and has accepted it.

The next apprehension is uncertainty. What next? Where are we going after death? Is there an afterlife? Would we be judged by a higher power for the deeds on Earth? Would we be reincarnated? Honestly, I don’t have the answers to these. A lot of people have a lot of theories. I have got one too. Why care about it when the thing doing the thinking and the entity which can feel would lie mouldering in a grave or be burnt to ashes? It’s good to be curious but is it worth it? Even if there is an invisible essence going to an invisible realm, it can’t be judged or punished or rewarded. Right, wrong, punishment, reward are the creations of the human mind. Yes, I have heard and read what the religious scriptures say but I still believe it’s all in the mind. I may not be religious but I do believe in a higher power which doesn’t ‘think’ like us. It’s beyond any description or the human understanding. I don't negate the existence of an afterlife, reincarnation, karma, the concept of heaven and hell. I am curious to know more, I am open to ideas, like a lot of people but nothing about them would constitute the absolute facts in my mind. 

The last but not the least, is a permanent loss. It is human to form bonds of love with other humans, to get attached and to empathise. The loss of a beloved in a way that it can’t be reversed is painful indeed. The memories, the place the person had in our hearts, the happy times shared together, the unique quirks of the person, the habits, the touch, the smile, the warmth, the shared dreams, all of these and a lot of things would always bring tears to the eyes. Healing takes time and is a gradual process but healing does happen. It’s just a matter of time. All we need to do is be patient and believe that we'll heal, believe that the misery would go away. I accept it's easier said than done but this is the foundation to a healthy healing process, understanding what's in our hands and what's beyond us. It isn’t all that gruesome if we think. Neither is there a necessity to think about it at all. Let’s make an effort to live the way that makes us happy and cherish the good things around. That way, we’ll be ready when the courtship ends.

For Him

I fear thy love, thy touch, O gallant Knight,

Memories totter forth, they cloud my sight

What if the lamp of passion and warmth shatters
And the splendor of a million stars is lost forever
What if thy heart no longer yearns or remembers
And leaves my soul alone and naked to frost  


The sweet solemn spell of thy celestial presence
Beckons my heart from the deep, dark wilderness
Where mouldering flowers stir in thy luminescence
And bitumen lakes glisten with silent reverence
It overwhelms me, my Knight, this love, its essence,

Its rapture and the soul dissolving existence 

Tell me, O Spirit of Love, this isn't a dream of thee
Beloved as thou art, it mustn’t die upon my heart
Many a dream came, withered and got lost in me
Yet I stand bare, basked in the autumn serenity.
Make my soul thine, O gallant Knight
If thou shalt promise to hold it for an eternity.