That is a frequently asked question. An easy one, yet, I don't have a proper answer to it. I keep saying things on my whims and fancies. Let me write down while I mull over it. India has 28 states and 8 union territories. Every state and union territory has its distinct culture and many have a unique language as well. When do you belong to a state? That's the confounding question here. Do I belong to the place where my forefathers lived? Do I belong to the place where I was born and brought up? Do I belong to the place where I earn my livelihood? Who decides? Is it subjective? I thought it was, but, people kept correcting me. Rather rejecting me. If I told that I belonged to the place where I was born, brought up, finished a major chunk of my education, spoke the language with the perfect accent, assimilated the culture and heritage to a T; many would cut me short saying, ''Pattanaik" doesn't belong here'. But that is just one kind of people I encountered there. Therefore, it is not the whole truth about how the so called 'people' of the land that I once, proudly called home, perceived me. For some, I was and still am more than family. They will always be treasured. However, being the sensitive being that I am, I decided to move out of my birthplace for good.
Then comes the place where my parents grew up. The language they speak is apparently, my mother-tongue. When I talk in my mother-tongue, a strange accent creeps in because of the other languages I have been speaking most of my life. My demeanor, attitude and thought process differ from the local inhabitants of the place. So, people out there, including some family members end up saying, 'you are not like us'. Fair enough! They don't understand me, I don't understand them. Unconditional acceptance is almost an impossibility, globally. Everybody keeps a score of similarities and dissimilarities. And that becomes the foundation of being human. Isn't it? The pathetic truth. This doesn't feel quite homely. I am glad that the Gen Z and beyond are doing much better in that domain.
Finally, let us talk about the place that where I completed my higher education and am earning my livelihood. A new region, new people. They often ask me, why haven't you learnt the language of the land? I jokingly answer, 'That way I'll not understand if you say something nasty to me. It's just a strategy to safeguard my peace'. The second part is true though. I do not wish to get attached to places (people?). Attachment brings in pain as evident by my experience in the first place I tried calling home. The next question put to me is, 'Are you planning to live here all your life?' 'Don't you wish to go back to your 'own people'?' The right answer is, 'I don't know because I have nowhere to go. I am without roots. A hippie by soul. So, I'll go wherever life takes me'. But what I tell them is, 'I will eventually move to the place where people with my surname have their roots'. This particular answer hits the nail on the head. They get their joy, and I retain my peace. For the sake of that peace, I will omit a few other things spoken around that make me realize, I am not welcome here. This is not my home.
Now, getting back to the original question? Where do I belong? Should I say I am just an Indian? But that's not the answer people look for when they ask about my roots. If I become philosophical, people get intimidated. Should I say, 'Nowhere'? That would make me sound arrogant. Though I have always been a quiet rebel, I no longer want to rub people the wrong way. Peace is precious. You appreciate it more and more as years get added to your life. Since there's still no answer to the question, let me continue honoring my whims and fancies! Anyway, who cares! The purpose of the question is just to propel the conversation forward. I appreciate all the fine people around and I do know, it's only a handful that hurt, and that too, perhaps, unknowingly. However, I cannot help being wary. Home should be a safe, comfortable and happy place. Though I don't find it in a land with boundaries, I do find it in some people. Again, that's not the answer expected of me! Sigh!
By the way, happy pana sankranti/ happy bihu/ happy ugadi!
No comments:
Post a Comment