Mulling, yet again!

A couple of days back, I was asked if I sought a partner. I gave a vague answer because it's been ages since I thought about it at all. Two years back, the answer would have been a resounding yes. Not today though. I grew up with a dream to share myself with a like-minded individual who would understand me, support my dreams and be there unconditionally by my side. And vice versa. It never happened. Perhaps, I was too quirky for everyone. Men get smitten with my eccentricity; eventually it begins intimidating them. They then try changing me. Trust me, I have tried to help them in that quest too but you cannot draw a whole ocean into a 2 mL syringe, right? We would fail in the exercise and part ways. I got exhausted. Then came self-acceptance and self-love. And I stopped needing people exclusively. What would an additional person contribute to? I have everything I need including my nine hours of sleep, a happy heart and a calm mind. If we try looking for more, there is no end to it. I know some people, who even if I don't stay in touch with on a daily basis will drop everything and be by my side when needed. I would do the same for them. My space is absolutely sacred. I'm not sure if there is an individual who can treat me as good as I treat myself; getting treated better is way too far-fetched. I cannot go through more of emotional trauma as healing from it wastes a lot of tears and time. This is a state of equilibrium. It's going to take a lot for anyone to touch it. I have a plan for myself till the end of life and that doesn't involve a partner for sure.

Her

She forgot to ask if it makes him uncomfortable or sad to see her have the feelings he does not reciprocate. She should have asked if it was offensive when she told him that she would like to continue feeling the way she feels despite his indifference, garbed in understanding and appreciation. Now what!? She can only hope the ground beneath her feet parts and swallows her whole. Hills it is! And soon!! Bloody mercury retrograde!!!

Him #2

One day, they will part ways...

With the promise to find one another again. 

But he is the air she breathes. How would life move without him? Suffocatingly sluggish, perhaps? He is the gentle ocean wave that calms her fearful heart. Would it freeze when distance creeps in? 

Memories... They'll suffice. Sufficient to keep her calm and joyous. She will remember those kind eyes, loquacious sometimes, thoughtful and lost at other times. His eyes shine differently when they look into people's souls. Then there are the three types of smile... One that's forced, another when amusement creeps up to his eyes and the third, absolutely precious to behold, is when he brings his guard down to let his affection show... She will remember the warmth of his gentle touch that pacifies her screaming demons...

She will remember. Forever. Not all journeys have destinations so while they walk together, she will collect all the memories that would fit into her soul, for later.

Him #1

She wishes to be his home where he puts the sword and armour down. The home which has the gentle fragrance of unending affection, and a warm hearth at the corner to nurture his visions. She hopes to keep him protected deep within her heart, for the world would not understand his elysian essence. What he means to her will only be known to her. Not everything can be touched. Not everything can be named. She has a beautiful treasure chest for them. The one that is tucked within the deepest recess of her dreams. He is the key to the chest.

Him

She waited, almost expecting it to disintegrate with time... Everything earthly does. When it did not, she knew it's his essence; not the appearance, not what is apparent to the world. Not the past, not the future but that one moment when they are next to one another, talking without words; it becomes the vacuum that holds the entire universe... He has shown her the elusive multiverse but he is oblivious.

Where Am I From?!

That is a frequently asked question. An easy one, yet, I don't have a proper answer to it. I keep saying things on my whims and fancies. Let me write down while I mull over it. India has 28 states and 8 union territories. Every state and union territory has its distinct culture and many have a unique language as well. When do you belong to a state? That's the confounding question here. Do I belong to the place where my forefathers lived? Do I belong to the place where I was born and brought up? Do I belong to the place where I earn my livelihood? Who decides? Is it subjective? I thought it was, but, people kept correcting me. Rather rejecting me. If I told that I belonged to the place where I was born, brought up, finished a major chunk of my education, spoke the language with the perfect accent, assimilated the culture and heritage to a T; many would cut me short saying, ''Pattanaik" doesn't belong here'. But that is just one kind of people I encountered there. Therefore, it is not the whole truth about how the so called 'people' of the land that I once, proudly called home, perceived me. For some, I was and still am more than family. They will always be treasured. However, being the sensitive being that I am, I decided to move out of my birthplace for good.

Then comes the place where my parents grew up. The language they speak is apparently, my mother-tongue. When I talk in my mother-tongue, a strange accent creeps in because of the other languages I have been speaking most of my life. My demeanor, attitude and thought process differ from the local inhabitants of the place. So, people out there, including some family members end up saying, 'you are not like us'. Fair enough! They don't understand me, I don't understand them. Unconditional acceptance is almost an impossibility, globally. Everybody keeps a score of similarities and dissimilarities. And that becomes the foundation of being human. Isn't it? The pathetic truth. This doesn't feel quite homely. I am glad that the Gen Z and beyond are doing much better in that domain.

Finally, let us talk about the place that where I completed my higher education and am earning my livelihood. A new region, new people. They often ask me, why haven't you learnt the language of the land? I jokingly answer, 'That way I'll not understand if you say something nasty to me. It's just a strategy to safeguard my peace'. The second part is true though. I do not wish to get attached to places (people?). Attachment brings in pain as evident by my experience in the first place I tried calling home. The next question put to me is, 'Are you planning to live here all your life?' 'Don't you wish to go back to your 'own people'?' The right answer is, 'I don't know because I have nowhere to go. I am without roots. A hippie by soul. So, I'll go wherever life takes me'. But what I tell them is, 'I will eventually move to the place where people with my surname have their roots'. This particular answer hits the nail on the head. They get their joy, and I retain my peace. For the sake of that peace, I will omit a few other things spoken around that make me realize, I am not welcome here. This is not my home.

Now, getting back to the original question? Where do I belong? Should I say I am just an Indian? But that's not the answer people look for when they ask about my roots. If I become philosophical, people get intimidated. Should I say, 'Nowhere'? That would make me sound arrogant. Though I have always been a quiet rebel, I no longer want to rub people the wrong way. Peace is precious. You appreciate it more and more as years get added to your life. Since there's still no answer to the question, let me continue honoring my whims and fancies! Anyway, who cares! The purpose of the question is just to propel the conversation forward. I appreciate all the fine people around and I do know, it's only a handful that hurt, and that too, perhaps, unknowingly. However, I cannot help being wary. Home should be a safe, comfortable and happy place. Though I don't find it in a land with boundaries, I do find it in some people. Again, that's not the answer expected of me! Sigh!

By the way, happy pana sankranti/ happy bihu/ happy ugadi!