Addressing Toxicities

She is a beautiful mess. Sometimes it can be quite overwhelming. She wishes to understand herself better. Before dissecting her formative years, it is necessary to declare that she has no adverse feelings for people and events that were a part of it. She rather embraces them with a lot of love. She only wishes to pull out the hidden/repressed memories to understand her complexities. She neither blames the external circumstances nor her own internal changes. They were what they were supposed to be. However, the darkness needs to be purged out. The demons need to be acknowledged. She needs to make peace with those that can exist without scarring her and expel the ones that refuse to stop inflicting pain.

As a child, she used to feel a lot. She was hypersensitive to an extent that she would burst into tears even if a flower wilted in the garden. She was extremely loving and kind. When she was subjected to pain, criticism, and a lack of communication so that she aligned to the worldly version of a perfect girl, she began changing. She excelled in most things she took up, which did shut out a lot of negative words from her 'well-wishers'. Then there were other people who were not her 'well-wishers'. Her worldly achievements were looked upon as threat by this cohort. She became fiercely independent and stopped needing people. But, she was changing. Changing for the better or worse? That has no answer.

But did she really change? Not in essence. But she stopped crying. Did she stop feeling? No. She learnt repressing. She always remembered who she was but she would lash out at the world when provoked. She realized she walked out on people without communication, and was unforgivingly cold. She justified it by saying, she was only avoiding the toxicity of the world but it did get extrapolated. Self-defense turned to paranoia. She wonders, if all those who hurt her too underwent such transition. It is a scary thought because she has always wished to not be like them.

Now, in the present, she confronts her past, shedding tears reminiscent of her younger self. Some regressions prove cathartic, offering hope that she can rediscover her capacity for compassion towards humanity, not as a result of meditation but as a natural expression of her being. Yearning for love and acceptance, she finds solace in the realization that she's not alone. She embraces her purpose and the lessons that shape her soul's evolution, knowing that in the end, we are all fundamentally the same.