The One I Lost

She would have done anything for love. Absolutely anything. And that's where she went wrong. She wasn't meant to be so idealistic in relationships. She tried to craft a love story straight out of a fairytale, but eventually felt empty from the hollow, soulless responses. How much could one extremely sensitive being endure? She didn’t recognize her own limits or those of others. Small gestures seemed like grand offerings to her. She trusted people when they promised forever, when they professed undying love, and even when they vowed to commit after years of waiting—just hoping for the smallest bit of affection in return, given only at their convenience.

I’m torn between anger and deep compassion for her. But I can’t reach out. She didn’t disappear all at once—she faded, piece by piece. No one is to blame, not even her. But I will blame her faith in the power of love. It wasn’t meant to destroy her and create me. I could have existed without this, without her loss. They call this transformation, this growth. It’s meant to bring peace and acceptance, making life easier to live, but she was pure, the embodiment of joy and trust. I will always look back at her—those bright, emotional eyes that quietly longed for someone to hold her hand. If we could have coexisted, I would have fiercely protected her from the world that was destined to break her.

A Milestone!

My first anthology of poems is out!!!

I am so thrilled!

Get your copy here:

Dear Lavender

Addressing Toxicities

She is a beautiful mess. Sometimes it can be quite overwhelming. She wishes to understand herself better. Before dissecting her formative years, it is necessary to declare that she has no adverse feelings for people and events that were a part of it. She rather embraces them with a lot of love. She only wishes to pull out the hidden/repressed memories to understand her complexities. She neither blames the external circumstances nor her own internal changes. They were what they were supposed to be. However, the darkness needs to be purged out. The demons need to be acknowledged. She needs to make peace with those that can exist without scarring her and expel the ones that refuse to stop inflicting pain.

As a child, she used to feel a lot. She was hypersensitive to an extent that she would burst into tears even if a flower wilted in the garden. She was extremely loving and kind. When she was subjected to pain, criticism, and a lack of communication so that she aligned to the worldly version of a perfect girl, she began changing. She excelled in most things she took up, which did shut out a lot of negative words from her 'well-wishers'. Then there were other people who were not her 'well-wishers'. Her worldly achievements were looked upon as threat by this cohort. She became fiercely independent and stopped needing people. But, she was changing. Changing for the better or worse? That has no answer.

But did she really change? Not in essence. But she stopped crying. Did she stop feeling? No. She learnt repressing. She always remembered who she was but she would lash out at the world when provoked. She realized she walked out on people without communication, and was unforgivingly cold. She justified it by saying, she was only avoiding the toxicity of the world but it did get extrapolated. Self-defense turned to paranoia. She wonders, if all those who hurt her too underwent such transition. It is a scary thought because she has always wished to not be like them.

Now, in the present, she confronts her past, shedding tears reminiscent of her younger self. Some regressions prove cathartic, offering hope that she can rediscover her capacity for compassion towards humanity, not as a result of meditation but as a natural expression of her being. Yearning for love and acceptance, she finds solace in the realization that she's not alone. She embraces her purpose and the lessons that shape her soul's evolution, knowing that in the end, we are all fundamentally the same.

Spring Musing

I apologize to myself for being afraid to seek healthy connections and for believing that I do not deserve better.

I apologize for getting involved in circumstances not aligned with my core values, for the sake of pleasing others.

I apologize for not stopping when I should have, leading to a burnout and a total breakdown.

I apologize for seeking external validation when I had always been enough.

I apologize for being stoic and for not letting the tears flow.

This is how I will ensure the changed me looks like because apology without changed behavior is meaningless:

I will value people and situations that are consistent and aligned with me. No more adjusting and compromising with energies in dissonance. No more losing my essence while trying to hold on. Whatever comes, comes; whatever goes, goes; whatever stays, stays. I will show equal grace to all, without attaching myself to them.

I deserve unconditional affection, respect, care and companionship. So, I will welcome nothing less.

I will not allow my gratitude to be taken advantage of. I will protect myself from manipulation.

I will solicit bonds where healthy communication is prioritized.

I will immediately walk away from people and situations, without an explanation, if they hurt me or make me feel less.

The Premonition

The first and the last collab with him. Stumbled across it after years! Despite those being happy times, this just flowed out when we sat next to each other excited like kids, eager to write. These words were too gloomy to resonate with our state then. Now it seems like they were a premonition to what was destined.

Beneath a shroud of ice, the memories sleep, Not melancholic, but quietly fading, Frosty touch of time buries them deep, The horizon, the earth, all in ice, cascading.

Autumn sighs and yields to the wintery embrace, Along the rugged path, it walks the final mile. Bruises cease to bleed, and hearts find solace, Yet the chill of ice remains, its hold dark and vile.

Eyes blinded, white is the hue that fills their vision,
Soon to merge with the soft grace of the earth.
Within the frozen depths, lies the forgotten reason,
To thaw and feed affection upon a warm hearth.

Perhaps in this thaw, a trace of us will linger, Or perhaps we will rest, covered in ice forever.

Ray of sunshine

This is not like my usual posts. But changes are good, once in a while!!

I am as rooted in science as I am in romance, and magic. Introducing my alter ego to the world, the clinician scientist. Here is a recently published paper for the interested readers 😁

https://rdcu.be/dEpv5

Her #7

It's a wrap! And it's an improvement over the last ones. This time it took nine months to see and accept the reality as compared to the last two times (those realisations took years!). There has been some damage to the body and the heart but the mind has taken over at this point. It is cold, ruthless and manipulative when it goes into the protective mode. It is capable of burning the world to ashes. How loveable is that raw power!!

No matter how many good things he has done, disrespect to her body, mind and emotions is a non-negotiable deal breaker.

Conditional Love

She loves a man, indifferent and distant,

Agrees to his terms, his unshakable intent

She thinks it is a fair compromise,

For he is truthful and worldly wise

Their bond hides in the soft moonlight beam,

Emotionally silent, like a quiet flowing stream.

Is it melancholy? Perhaps

Her fantasies are nothing but fallacies,

She who dreamt of everlasting love

Finally sees the reality hanging above,

Not entirely sorrowful is this decree

Such transparency is unblemishedly free.

The Aftermath

Forgotten questions floated in the air,

Lost, they swirled in silent despair

Few were about the offense she bore

When she confessed feelings he ignored.

Wrapped in the dark shroud of understanding,

Heavy as a cloud, the silence was deafening

What remained in the end was a void, a hole,

Where hopes once danced, there was no soul.

Her mind yearned for the hills to flee,

Away from this heartbreaking irony,

She cursed the retrograde of Mercury's sway,

For bringing about this unfortunate disarray!

Why I Run?

Not to outrun pain, I run to avoid its soulless sting

I chase the cryptic whispered promise of the rain

And hope to find home, and the final healing it will bring

A flowing stream, I wish to be a forgotten dream

I ascend like the sun to cast off the void of the realm

The unknown beckons, I fly like the hawk in the sky

Pushing boundaries, I will seek what the heart desires,

And how long would I run?

Till the oceans dry and the grey sky incessantly cries

Her #5

That blue flame burning in his eyes, restless and wild, is beautiful to behold. One that he protects so fiercely, with all his might. She likes the way he describes the lively essence of his solitude - The lone, peaceful crocodile in the swamp, patiently waiting for its prey. It is whole in itself, and needs no validation. She, however, does not want to be the swamp fern he floats by whenever he wishes to. She is the hornbill, she belongs to the sky. Do you know an interesting fact about hornbills? They are not meant for solitude. They are known to pair up and build a cozy home. The lovelorn female hornbill knows no life if her mate does not return.  

Let us celebrate the differences but also remember that the crocodile and the hornbill cannot end up together.