Surrender

Sometimes, you need to stop overthinking. Sometimes, you need to stop fighting an endless war. Sometimes, you need to sit back with the deepest, unwavering emotions and surrender to the Universe. Sometimes, that is just the right way to be.

Closing Remarks

What happens when you fall in love with someone who is worse than a corpse? You end up being stuck between life and death. The milieu was perfect but I was no longer disillusioned. So, when we reconnected, I had to show him that I could still love despite knowing his flaws, despite the uncertainties he brought along. No questions asked, unconditional love seeped out and the inner child flipped through all her dreams to create the perfect moment with the beloved. One last day, one last time, the fire blazed before it extinguished. I walked away because I understood; water a stone for ages, it will never grow anything.

Conclusions

• A broken or insecure man is a lost cause, not my problem. I'm in no way responsible to fix him. The broken should be discarded as it is toxic.
• Unless proven otherwise, every man approaching me has an agenda that is detrimental to my well being.
• Once a liar, always a liar.
• Smooth talkers mostly are charming snakes ready to strike. I need to ignore the words and watch what they do.
• Spineless men are the most dangerous of the lot.
• My needs and plans for life ought to be respected. I will not sacrifice them to procreate or move to the sidelines, clapping for someone else.
• Equality is vital. If I am 'asked' to wear bangles, the man should too.
• I hate cooking. It'll not solely be my responsibility because I'm a woman. Period.
• Communication is extremely important. There's no relationship without it.
• Long distance/online relationships don't work.
• Twin flames - a massive delusion!
• Narcissists - you'll walk the plank.
• Self love is enough. More than enough, actually.

The Last Adieu

I have been wishing to write this post for a very long time. But I wasn't in a good place. It was a dark vacuity created out of pain and despair. Today, it is bright. I have realised, it's not worth living the rest of my life being bitter and holding on to grudges.

The marriage broke down because it was needed. It was needed for the two of us to evolve, break out of the co-dependency and upgrade ourselves. Couldn't we have done all that while being together? No. There was a gross imbalance. One of the two needed to be the martyr. But none of us wanted it so the marriage took the blow. Communication was always unclear and the thousands of miles in between made the hearts wary. Other things just acted as catalysts in the destruction that was inevitable from day one.

Now that the analysis of the destruction is over, let me get to the good things this brought to me. I got to love someone unrestrained, the way I had always wanted to. Being able to do that in itself is a blessing and when it is reciprocated, whatever fraction of it, it's almost divine. I'm grateful for that. The brief companionship was good.

I'll remember him as a gentle person.  May he find material abundance and success always.

Now, this seems like the perfect last adieu. I can picture myself closing a book, dazed with the intensity of the written words, assimilating the emotions provoked. A book that needn't be re-read.

Allergic Rhinitis

It's one of those days when I surrender to the chaos and lie down staring at the ceiling. The mind is blank as I focus on my breath that's unsteady and laboured. There's Chester Bennington singing Numb in the background. Soon I'll drift into a peaceful slumber. Montek-LC is gradually bringing down the chaos. It's quite cold today.

Unapologetically Never His

Why did he think that he was the perfect man for her and she cannot move on from him? 

Why did he disregard the words she had spoken about how it suffocated her to be in a relationship that no longer fulfilled her in any way? Her dreams were always looked down upon. She was expected to be happy with being dragged around by him.

Why was her moving on after they decided to part ways a betrayal? Isn't she entitled to find her joy and peace? Yes, she was a fool to have chosen him over others but isn't she allowed to rectify her error or is she expected to pay its price forever? That's not the 'forever' a woman seeks. 

Is it her fault that he couldn't believe when she told him she had stopped loving and trusting him? He broke the very first promise he made to her. How could she ignore that? She is happier in a world without him and the mess he brought along. Why should he persist to pull her into the same hell by being around, making his presence known? It's definitely not love when one fails to understand what the other person truly wants and disrespects her wishes again and again. Why did he always presume they wanted the same things in the relationship when he would selectively hear only what he wanted to? When random, insignificant people demeaned her, he did nothing but be a mute spectator. How could she ignore that? She was tired of the manipulation and lies.

How long could she have compromised with not being her true self? Her true essence was way too strong for him to accept. She was not valued. Where was the unconditional love?

How long should she have tried to salvage the bond and at what cost? Most importantly, why should she have?

Some people mean what they say. She did. Always. When she loved, it was honest. When she stopped, it was irrevocable. He should have respected her identity and integrity.

Massive destructions take time. Beyond a certain point, situations get irreparable. There's no way forward. All one can do is get wiser and ascend or the cycle shall keep going on and on.

She will do whatsoever she needs to do in order to keep her essence intact. Whatever isn't for her highest good can go to the deepest, darkest, filthiest corner of hell.