He is quite flawed. But he tries; as evident by his actions. He is infuriating and reckless with her feelings. But he doesn't let her give up on him. He asks her to be patient while he kills the demons within. He says, 'There were 25 and now there are only 5 left. So, stay a bit longer and get to know me better.' When he says that, she remembers why she fell in love with him in the first place: his transparency. His words often go bonkers and fail to convey his emotions. But his eyes speak out everything, even those thoughts that he refuses to acknowledge.
She is quite flawed and tired. She is tired of herself. The amount of darkness within that still needs to be addressed is overwhelming. She must learn to trust 'them'. But right now, all she needs is a safe space to sleep for a while. While she sleeps, he must remember he is loved. He is cherished. And she will be with him when he truly needs her.
She is a beautiful mess. Sometimes it can be quite overwhelming. She wishes to understand herself better. Before dissecting her formative years, it is necessary to declare that she has no adverse feelings for people and events that were a part of it. She rather embraces them with a lot of love. She only wishes to pull out the hidden/repressed memories to understand her complexities. She neither blames the external circumstances nor her own internal changes. They were what they were supposed to be. However, the darkness needs to be purged out. The demons need to be acknowledged. She needs to make peace with those that can exist without scarring her and expel the ones that refuse to stop inflicting pain.
As a child, she used to feel a lot. She was hypersensitive to an extent that she would burst into tears even if a flower wilted in the garden. She was extremely loving and kind. When she was subjected to pain, criticism, and a lack of communication so that she aligned to the worldly version of a perfect girl, she began changing. She excelled in most things she took up, which did shut out a lot of negative words from her 'well-wishers'. Then there were other people who were not her 'well-wishers'. Her worldly achievements were looked upon as threat by this cohort. She became fiercely independent and stopped needing people. But, she was changing. Changing for the better or worse? That has no answer.
But did she really change? Not in essence. But she stopped crying. Did she stop feeling? No. She learnt repressing. She always remembered who she was but she would lash out at the world when provoked. She realized she walked out on people without communication, and was unforgivingly cold. She justified it by saying, she was only avoiding the toxicity of the world but it did get extrapolated. Self-defense turned to paranoia. She wonders, if all those who hurt her too underwent such transition. It is a scary thought because she has always wished to not be like them.
Now, in the present, she confronts her past, shedding tears reminiscent of her younger self. Some regressions prove cathartic, offering hope that she can rediscover her capacity for compassion towards humanity, not as a result of meditation but as a natural expression of her being. Yearning for love and acceptance, she finds solace in the realization that she's not alone. She embraces her purpose and the lessons that shape her soul's evolution, knowing that in the end, we are all fundamentally the same.
I apologize to myself for being afraid to seek healthy connections and for believing that I do not deserve better.
I apologize for getting involved in circumstances not aligned with my core values, for the sake of pleasing others.
I apologize for not stopping when I should have, leading to a burnout and a total breakdown.
I apologize for seeking external validation when I had always been enough.
I apologize for being stoic and for not letting the tears flow.
This is how I will ensure the changed me looks like because apology without changed behavior is meaningless:
I will value people and situations that are consistent and aligned with me. No more adjusting and compromising with energies in dissonance. No more losing my essence while trying to hold on. Whatever comes, comes; whatever goes, goes; whatever stays, stays. I will show equal grace to all, without attaching myself to them.
I deserve unconditional affection, respect, care and companionship. So, I will welcome nothing less.
I will not allow my gratitude to be taken advantage of. I will protect myself from manipulation.
I will solicit bonds where healthy communication is prioritized.
I will immediately walk away from people and situations, without an explanation, if they hurt me or make me feel less.
The first and the last collab with him. Stumbled across it after years! Despite those being happy times, this just flowed out when we sat next to each other excited like kids, eager to write. These words were too gloomy to resonate with our state then. Now it seems like they were a premonition to what was destined.
Beneath a shroud of ice, the memories sleep, Not melancholic, but quietly fading, Frosty touch of time buries them deep, The horizon, the earth, all in ice, cascading.
Autumn sighs and yields to the wintery embrace, Along the rugged path, it walks the final mile. Bruises cease to bleed, and hearts find solace, Yet the chill of ice remains, its hold dark and vile.
Perhaps in this thaw, a trace of us will linger, Or perhaps we will rest, covered in ice forever.
