Addressing Toxicities

She is a beautiful mess. Sometimes it can be quite overwhelming. She wishes to understand herself better. Before dissecting her formative years, it is necessary to declare that she has no adverse feelings for people and events that were a part of it. She rather embraces them with a lot of love. She only wishes to pull out the hidden/repressed memories to understand her complexities. She neither blames the external circumstances nor her own internal changes. They were what they were supposed to be. However, the darkness needs to be purged out. The demons need to be acknowledged. She needs to make peace with those that can exist without scarring her and expel the ones that refuse to stop inflicting pain.

As a child, she used to feel a lot. She was hypersensitive to an extent that she would burst into tears even if a flower wilted in the garden. She was extremely loving and kind. When she was subjected to pain, criticism, and a lack of communication so that she aligned to the worldly version of a perfect girl, she began changing. She excelled in most things she took up, which did shut out a lot of negative words from her 'well-wishers'. Then there were other people who were not her 'well-wishers'. Her worldly achievements were looked upon as threat by this cohort. She became fiercely independent and stopped needing people. But, she was changing. Changing for the better or worse? That has no answer.

But did she really change? Not in essence. But she stopped crying. Did she stop feeling? No. She learnt repressing. She always remembered who she was but she would lash out at the world when provoked. She realized she walked out on people without communication, and was unforgivingly cold. She justified it by saying, she was only avoiding the toxicity of the world but it did get extrapolated. Self-defense turned to paranoia. She wonders, if all those who hurt her too underwent such transition. It is a scary thought because she has always wished to not be like them.

Now, in the present, she confronts her past, shedding tears reminiscent of her younger self. Some regressions prove cathartic, offering hope that she can rediscover her capacity for compassion towards humanity, not as a result of meditation but as a natural expression of her being. Yearning for love and acceptance, she finds solace in the realization that she's not alone, embracing her purpose and the lessons that shape her soul's evolution, knowing that in the end, we are all fundamentally the same.

Spring Musing

I apologize to myself for being afraid to seek healthy connections and for believing that I do not deserve better.

I apologize for getting involved in circumstances not aligned with my core values, for the sake of pleasing others.

I apologize for not stopping when I should have, leading to a burnout and a total breakdown.

I apologize for seeking external validation when I had always been enough.

I apologize for being stoic and for not letting the tears flow.

This is how I will ensure the changed me looks like because apology without changed behavior is meaningless:

I will value people and situations that are consistent and aligned with me. No more adjusting and compromising with energies in dissonance. No more losing my essence while trying to hold on. Whatever comes, comes; whatever goes, goes; whatever stays, stays. I will show equal grace to all, without attaching myself to them.

I deserve unconditional affection, respect, care and companionship. So, I will welcome nothing less.

I will not allow my gratitude to be taken advantage of. I will protect myself from manipulation.

I will solicit bonds where healthy communication is prioritized.

I will immediately walk away from people and situations, without an explanation, if they hurt me or make me feel less.

The Premonition

The first and the last collab with him. Stumbled across it after years! Despite those being happy times, this just flowed out when we sat next to each other excited like kids, eager to write. These words were too gloomy to resonate with our state then. Now it seems like they were a premonition to what was destined.

Beneath a shroud of ice, the memories sleep, Not melancholic, but quietly fading, Frosty touch of time buries them deep, The horizon, the earth, all in ice, cascading.

Autumn sighs and yields to the wintery embrace, Along the rugged path, it walks the final mile. Bruises cease to bleed, and hearts find solace, Yet the chill of ice remains, its hold dark and vile.

Eyes blinded, white is the hue that fills their vision,
Soon to merge with the soft grace of the earth.
Within the frozen depths, lies the forgotten reason,
To thaw and feed affection upon a warm hearth.

Perhaps in this thaw, a trace of us will linger, Or perhaps we will rest, covered in ice forever.

Ray of sunshine

This is not like my usual posts. But changes are good, once in a while!!

I am as rooted in science as I am in romance, and magic. Introducing my alter ego to the world, the clinician scientist. Here is a recently published paper for the interested readers 😁

https://rdcu.be/dEpv5

Her #7

It's a wrap! And it's an improvement over the last ones. This time it took nine months to see and accept the reality as compared to the last two times (those realisations took years!). There has been some damage to the body and the heart but the mind has taken over at this point. It is cold, ruthless and manipulative when it goes into the protective mode. It is capable of burning the world to ashes. How loveable is that raw power!!

No matter how many good things he has done, disrespect to her body, mind and emotions is a non-negotiable deal breaker.

Conditional Love

She loves a man, indifferent and distant,

Agrees to his terms, his unshakable intent

She thinks it is a fair compromise,

For he is truthful and worldly wise

Their bond hides in the soft moonlight beam,

Emotionally silent, like a quiet flowing stream.

Is it melancholy? Perhaps

Her fantasies are nothing but fallacies,

She who dreamt of everlasting love

Finally sees the reality hanging above,

Not entirely sorrowful is this decree

Such transparency is unblemishedly free.

The Aftermath

Forgotten questions floated in the air,

Lost, they swirled in silent despair

Few were about the offense she bore

When she confessed feelings he ignored.

Wrapped in the dark shroud of understanding,

Heavy as a cloud, the silence was deafening

What remained in the end was a void, a hole,

Where hopes once danced, there was no soul.

Her mind yearned for the hills to flee,

Away from this heartbreaking irony,

She cursed the retrograde of Mercury's sway,

For bringing about this unfortunate disarray!

The Realization

In the stillness of the flowing time,
Heartbeats echoed without a rhyme,
She stood waiting for it to fray,
As earthly things often slip away.

But his existence endured, firm and true,
Not in form or what others construe,
Beyond the past haze of minds bared,
It remained in the words they shared.

In the timeless void where worlds collide,
He revealed dimensions unseen, untried,
But unaware of his own intense sway,
As she marveled at the truths on display.

While he unlocked the doors to the unknown,
In his own world, he roamed all by his own,
She, in reverence, stood stunned by the sight,
Of his essence, a beacon in the gloomy night.

Him #7

His love language is exotically adorable! He isn't the one who would sing about his love from the rooftops. He is painfully shy and logical. He is definitely not someone who will flood her space with sweet, mushy words or type too many irrelevant, sugary sentences when they chat on the social media. He knows, those things are not quite consistent. And he has always loved gifting her consistency as a mark of respect for his affection towards her. He is the one who watches her from the corner of his eye, observing every little thing she does. A giant of a man who has the world at his feet, adores her enough to ask her to be careful when she is standing at some hidden corner of a room, comically balancing herself to wear her shoes. When her glasses fog and she is registering how to get it cleaned, he gets her a tissue paper despite being engrossed in work. When she sneezes, his hand reflexly switches off the fan. No words, mind you. When she's sick, he rushes to give her the medicines at midnight. No hugs or kisses but lucid instructions on how to take them. When she tells him that she misses him, he thinks for a while and tells her the feasible time to meet instead of saying that he misses her too. Always the problem solver! He expresses his sweet essence sometimes. And the way he does, nobody can. He doesn't write about eternity, soul dissolving embraces, tender kisses or dreamy moments but he writes about a realistic future with her by his side, hoping she will remain till he breathes his last. She, who did not believe in knights in shining armors, has found a rare one. His armor is slightly rusted for he has been fighting wars since a long time. And that is why, he is perfect.

Why I Run?

Not to outrun pain, I run to avoid its soulless sting

I chase the cryptic whispered promise of the rain

And hope to find home, and the final healing it will bring

A flowing stream, I wish to be a forgotten dream

I ascend like the sun to cast off the void of the realm

The unknown beckons, I fly like the hawk in the sky

Pushing boundaries, I will seek what the heart desires,

And how long would I run?

Till the oceans dry and the grey sky incessantly cries

Her #6

She is more often wrong than right due to the innate paranoia obscuring clarity. And she is impatient to know all the answers immediately. Then she has to immediately decide on a course of action. When truth finally shows up, she almost faints with embarrassment.

He told her the most beautiful thing she has ever heard in her 37 years of life. It isn't, 'I love you'. That, he demonstrates better in so many ways. He said that he sees her as the same entity that he is within while he has his inner dialogues. That's a priceless thing to be told. Perhaps the most intimate thing which is beyond any eternal concept of love and togetherness. To be someone's mental counterpart is a unique privilege.

This is where the divide between him and her is relinquished. This is where the boundary between 'to be' and 'not to be' is lost. This is where the barriers that cause conflicts get lost. This is where shadows meet the souls and souls meet the source. This is where they are irrevocably one.

Her #5

That blue flame burning in his eyes, restless and wild, is beautiful to behold. One that he protects so fiercely, with all his might. She likes the way he describes the lively essence of his solitude - The lone, peaceful crocodile in the swamp, patiently waiting for its prey. It is whole in itself, and needs no validation. She, however, does not want to be the swamp fern he floats by whenever he wishes to. She is the hornbill, she belongs to the sky. Do you know an interesting fact about hornbills? They are not meant for solitude. They are known to pair up and build a cozy home. The lovelorn female hornbill knows no life if her mate does not return.  

Let us celebrate the differences but also remember that the crocodile and the hornbill cannot end up together.