Soliloquy #Love

Today, as I drifted through a random playlist, Jason Mraz’s “I Won’t Give Up” began to play—an unexpected melody slicing through the monotony of my mundane tasks. Suddenly, tears welled up, blurring my vision. In that moment, I recognized what I had truly lost: my faith in the raw, unfiltered beauty of love.

Love was meant to be a wildfire—consuming, soul-dissolving, reckless. But somewhere along the way, I realized that few still believed in its sacredness. That realization shattered the illusion for me. Maybe I was naive, or perhaps delusional. Yet, the hope—that someday I’d be loved without conditions—had filled me with a quiet joy.

Then the Universe, in its cruel wisdom, decided to prove me wrong.

And here I stand now, burdened by the weight of change. The rest of my life seems destined to be a steady march—logical, methodical, disciplined, cautious. But I was never meant to be anything less than chaotic, wild, and intoxicated by love.

PS: The current song playing on my device is "The One" by Kodaline. Well, it is what it is.

Ray of sunshine

This is not like my usual posts. But changes are good, once in a while!!

I am as rooted in science as I am in romance, and magic. Introducing my alter ego to the world, the clinician scientist. Here is a recently published paper for the interested readers 😁

https://rdcu.be/dEpv5

One that escaped the subconscious prison...

Traveling is a pain because when I am shutting out the sea of strangers and thoughts of possible mishaps, a lot of unaddressed trauma, repressed memories come to the surface in quite an unexpected manner. People who know me know that I am an anti- natalist since forever. Well, I am what I am for reasons that make sense only to me perhaps. I do like children. Only when they belong to others. Back in 2018, for a small fraction of time, I did contemplate having one of my own with a man I loved. It was just before lightening struck our marriage and annihilated it. I envisioned having a perfect little daughter, calmer and stronger than me. A happy girl capable of being the brightest sunshine in whichever life she touched. I used to watch a lot of Murakami movies. They have an ethereal quality to them. One of such movies was called Ponyo. Ponyo means soft and squishy. Ponyo was the perfect little girl that I thought I wanted as a daughter. Bright sunshine, a beautiful empath. So, when I conceived late winter, within no time I planned a whole life around my Ponyo. I was ready for the leap of faith and for everything, good and bad that was to come along. Most importantly, I was ready to compromise on everything precious I ever held on to, including sleep, for the rest of my life. And sleep is the ikigai for me! I know it sounds strange. Anyway, getting back to the strand of memory, I lost her in early spring. When I began bleeding, the doctor said I'm having a miscarriage and asked me to take a painkiller. I refused. Despite my professional knowledge, I hoped for a miracle. I prayed to any power that might hear me, was even ready to sell my soul to the devil, to stop this devastation and bring everything back to normal. I kept hoping till I expelled her out completely. It was barely three months but I had formed one of the strongest spiritual bonds with the life growing within. I don't even know if it was a girl but that's one child I truly wanted. For the first and the last time. For the first time, I writhed and screamed in pain, crouched on the floor, bleeding profusely and did not let anyone come close. I have a good pain threshold but this wasn't the physical pain but the mental agony of something that meant the world to me, getting snatched from my closed fists by ruthless sharp claws. In this chaos, I saw how much my parents loved me. My mother is very intelligent, calm and logical. She expresses herself better through warm gestures rather than words. I saw her break down looking at my state. I saw her crying out my pain. Though he looked quite composed, my father stood there as a steady support, waiting for the storm to pass. It will be unfair to not mention the former partner. He was there too. A broken man who held my hand while I was inconsolable. He tried to be strong for as long as he could and once we got home, exhausted and empty, he cried. He held me and he cried. We mourned. Together. For the last time. After that, events followed which pulled everything apart. 

I am glad I got this off my chest. For years, I did not even acknowledge something like this had happened and that it almost killed me. I am no longer the same girl. This snippet of the time gone by was painful to address. But now it's just another event that has shaped my present self. The residues are some fragmented pieces of a narrative, some scattered, shapeless shadows and some life altering realizations. Most important of the realizations being, people come, people go, but there are some who stick along till the end. They are the ones life is worth living for. Sadly, they are also the ones who are taken for granted. So, as an apology, I send a warm energetic hug to all those who have lingered around. The next question is, do I feel sorry for myself? Absolutely not. I am exactly where I am supposed to be in life. It is better to let things unfold in their own time. I trust the Universe.

The Retrograde Season

After ages of silence,  the devil tried, yet again, to corrode her light. The same pattern. The same sequence of using an innocent soul as the bait followed by a glimpse of his earthly appearance sans a soul. There was a time, she would forget all the torment he inflicted and fall at his feet so that he felt loved. But this time, she was out of his reach. If he elevates to where she is and touches her, he will lose his essence. He will no longer be the devil and that will go against the law of nature. She does not hate him. He just ceased to exist when she directed all the love she had to give inwards. She watched quietly as he walked away. Her light was painfully blinding for his darkness.

Reminder

 1. Remember the agony of being left out in the cold. You were alone, contorted like a fetus on the floor, crying and hoping it would reduce the pain. Love should not inflict that. You deserve empathy.

2. Remember the disrespect of being excluded from the truth always. You are entitled to your autonomy.

3. Remember the lack of peace when together. There was no communication because you were a doormat to him, always waiting around.

4. Remember he does not love you no matter what he says. His words never have had any gravity.

5. Remember he did not say or do the pleasant things because his feelings were genuine. It is just that he is manipulative and had studied you long years while he had your absolute trust. It was only a game for him.

6. Remember he betrayed women before you and will do it again because he thinks his mother wounds make him entitled to that. Pity him but do not let him into your life again.

7. Remember that the purpose of his presence in your life is over. You needed to learn how to love and take care of yourself. He is a piece of junk now and junk needs to be discarded. He is a soulless portal so don't worry about him getting hurt.

8. Remember you have cried enough for handing him your heart to break. It is good that he broke it like that. You will not be scared to love again because it can never be worse than this. Focus upon healing the broken heart.

9. Remember love needs to be shown in actions and not just in words.

10. Remember to forgive him but never forget that he is a player and players play!

With Metta

It's a beautiful new beginning. She's beautiful. Remember to love her every day. Remember to give all of you. Free your mind of fear, hatred and anger. It's a different story, a better story. Remember that. It needs to be cherished. So, smile with her. Let it reach your eyes. Not everything ends. I wish you nothing but the best. I wish you a story that warms your heart till its final beat.

About that...

The biological clock is ticking, I know. It may sound arrogant but I know it better than anyone else. Reproduction is yet to have a purpose for me. We talk about climate change, intolerance among humans due to the differences; we talk about pollution and the lack of resources. What can more humans do other than making it all worse? Can't we make do with the numbers we already have? Well, those are my thoughts on child bearing. I have absolutely no problem with the people who do have babies. Their lives, their choices. The way I have uncountable reasons for not having a child, they too would be having many reasons to have one. I've just got one thing to tell the 'well meaning', 'concerned' people around, I am NOT answerable to anyone.
The day I am sure that I can properly raise a child, there are many children who are in need of a home. My heart and home will be open to them. If that doesn't happen, I will not have anything to regret. I shall not follow the herd.

Lisbon

I had a weird dream yesterday. I was in Lisbon... well, that's what a map I was reading said. There were a lot of people around. I could see aesthetic limestone buildings with red roofs. 

The scene suddenly changed to a beach where I was walking alone, absolutely clueless about where I was going. Then I just paused, began walking towards the ocean and I woke up!

Dreams are often related to the sub conscious mind. I tried remembering if I had watched any movie where Lisbon was shown or read somewhere, something about Portugal or if I had browsed the Portuguese cuisine in the food application on the phone. No, I am sure, I had never thought about Portugal. Perhaps, I have overlooked or forgotten something I had come across.

Now the thing is, after waking up I searched the internet for more information about the place and concluded that I would love to see it sometime.

I've been lucky in terms of travel this year. I visited three different places - Lachung in Sikkim (India), Liverpool (UK) and Sydney (Australia).

Lachung offered me the perfect hibernating spot. Far away from the maddening crowd and chaos of the city. My resort was at the top of a mountain. Though it wasn't snowing there, one could see snow capped peaks all around. The chill had a soul. A warming soul. I sat on a rock outside and meditated. Soon after that a cat came up to me and bit my finger! Since I was vaccinated against rabies, I calmly classified the wound as Category 2 and slipped back into the afterglow. That state of peace cannot be expressed in words. If I have just one day to live, I'd like to be there. I have left a bit of my essence in Lachung.

The trip to Liverpool was work related. I was there to attend a conference on brain infections and I also had a paper to present. Though thrilled about the fact that it was my first trip to a new continent, I was scared about facing the foreign audience. The place had a soul of its own. There was something very dreamy about it. I went on long strolls breathing in the air kissed by the river. I spent a lot of time on the docks listening to the sea gulls cry, getting wet in the constant drizzle. Something about the place seemed very familiar. I cannot seem to put my finger on it but yes, I wish  I can see it once again someday!

Soon I set my foot on another new continent - Australia. B and me went together to Sydney. That was a mandatory visit to get the PR status activated. Sydney is not one of the best places I have visited but it is fairly good. More than the popular tourist attractions, I enjoyed travelling on the train and buying blueberries from Woolworths. B and me had a fight due to my silly fascination with the train. I kept on insisting on visiting random places so I could sit in the train for a longer time and B has limited patience in the public. Thus, the outcome is quite expected. The guest house where we stayed was pretty cozy. It did break my heart to leave behind B but this transition was vital for him just like returning to my city was for me.

So, overall, I am extremely happy with my travel schedule this year. I hope I can squeeze in many more in the years to come.

And yes, Lisbon it is, one day...

Soliloquy

'It is all in the mind'... I keep saying that to almost everyone I talk to. The ones close to me know that it will pop up anytime after 30 minutes of the conversation. Unfortunately,  the conversations these days don't stretch for so long.  Thanks to technology.

But then, I do not try conversing with everyone I meet or I know. It feels blasphemous when the conversation is hovering around mundane things. I do not want to know if your son drew a superhero or your daughter sang a song. I'd like to know those things from them. Ask them to talk and not be preoccupied with the phone. I don't want to know what brand of clothes you wear. It doesn't interest me. Tell me about things you did for yourself and why certain things made you happy or sad.  Tell me about your ideas and tell me about something new that you learnt or you tried. Finally, ask me how am I doing. That's how conversations used to be in the pre- mobile phone era.

Digressed much? I do that often. The mind's a clutter today. I need to organize it, calm it down and feed it nutritious thoughts to ponder on.

It was a holiday. I watched an old movie. The movie which I had once liked very much seemed distressing today. A lot of things were wrongly depicted! Let me not go into them. I will sink into sadness once again. I feel the entertainment industry has always focused upon unecessary things. It has its own brand of morality which I find utterly disgusting.

The whole of the Indian society is like that. Extremely regressive, filled till the brim with hypocrisy.

Enough procrastinating and mulling over things! It's time to wind up. Do some Reiki healing on myself.

I need to shut the noise inside and sit in a state of bliss. The human mind when calm or otherwise is capable of massive things. Thoughts and intentions can heal as well as kill. And healing is always better than killing!! 

Random Thoughts

In the last 10 days, I finished a whole novel which is quite an achievement in the present times considering my debilitated attention span. Vinegar girl by Ann Tyler. It's an average retelling of the Shakespearean comedy, 'The taming of the shrew'. Ann Tyler has written better novels.

I could never understand why the taming was necessary. People need to understand one thing; nothing,  not even love, can justify clipping a woman's wings.

I may choose to be selfish, insecure, angry, scared and ruthless. Not always. Just sometimes. You must understand it is okay to be a different self now and then. Let me have the space. But do not go away. Love me with a tenderness that melts away the negativity and cocoons me in peace. I shall do the same for you.

The 'to- do' List

Today, I will choose peace and happiness over everything else. I will stay in the present and do one thing at a time. I will eat healthy, be grateful for all the beautiful things that I have and I will watch my breath when unpleasant thoughts barge in. I will pray for people, I will pray for humanity and I will love unconditionally. After all that is done, we will drop the 'I' and be a part of the infinite.

A Spooky Tale

It was an eerie night. The wind wailed like a heartbroken banshee. She sat smiling peevishly to herself, oblivious to the sinister night and thought of the ways she could disturb the peace of the sleeping household. She was no longer scared of the darkness or the invisible for she thought, ‘I am born out of the darkness and am the invisible’s nightmare.’ She lives in a world of fantasy. Sometimes she's Jean Grey and sometimes she's The Phoenix. She moved around the house, swaying to a bizarre melody in her head that had once scared her when she was a child. Something is not right here. What do you call a child who never stops being a child? Let’s rephrase it. It was the haunting melody that had scared her a decade back. The music that played when The Undertaker entered the ring. How she loved the wrestler! So, while it played in her head, she walked towards the master bedroom where her parents slept. It was dark as she entered. Just then she heard the bathroom door close. She glanced over the bed and realized it was her mother in the bathroom. Her grin widened as the stage was perfectly set for the idea in her head. She let her tresses fall over her face and stood waiting patiently, to pounce upon her prey.

Her eyes drowsy and half closed, the Mother stepped out. The poor unsuspecting victim. The Girl suddenly jumped in front of her. The Mother was petrified and her eyes widened in pure terror. All  the remnants of sleep dissipated. A weirdly muffled scream somehow escaped her throat. The Father woke up with a start. Before they could realize what happened, the Girl ran into the bathroom and bolted it shut. When she thought, everything was calm outside; she stepped out trying hard to suppress her laughter as her mother’s shocked face kept flashing in her mind. While she stealthily walked out of the master bedroom, she heard her mother say, ‘You wait till I get my hands on you. I might have had a cardiac arrest, you spoilt brat.’ A soft giggle floated in the air and the Girl ran out of the room.

She lingered around the dining hall feeling victorious and complacent. All the excitement got her parched. So she poured herself a glass of water and had taken the first sip when she heard the clang of bangles in the silence of the intense darkness. There was somebody at the other side of the table. As the sound of the anklets approached her, the water in her mouth refused to move past her throat. She spilled it out, placed the glass on the table and ran as fast as her feet could carry her into the master bedroom. She slid into the covers beside her mother and hugged her tight.

The Girl –‘Mommy. Please let me sleep here. I am scared.

The Mother – ‘Go, get your blanket’

The Girl – Please Mommy, let me stay here. I can’t go out. You have to understand.'

The Mother – ‘Serves you right and please grow up.’

Who was the ghost in the dining hall? It was the Grandmother. After she had her drink, she went mumbling into her room, ‘What’s wrong with this girl? She wanders around the house at 2.30 am and spits out water here and there.’