Allergic Rhinitis

It's one of those days when I surrender to the chaos and lie down staring at the ceiling. The mind is blank as I focus on my breath that's unsteady and laboured. There's Chester Bennington singing Numb in the background. Soon I'll drift into a peaceful slumber. Montek-LC is gradually bringing down the chaos. It's quite cold today.

Unapologetically Never His

Why did he think that he was the perfect man for her and she cannot move on from him? 

Why did he disregard the words she had spoken about how it suffocated her to be in a relationship that no longer fulfilled her in any way? Her dreams were always looked down upon. She was expected to be happy with being dragged around by him.

Why was her moving on after they decided to part ways a betrayal? Isn't she entitled to find her joy and peace? Yes, she was a fool to have chosen him over others but isn't she allowed to rectify her error or is she expected to pay its price forever? That's not the 'forever' a woman seeks. 

Is it her fault that he couldn't believe when she told him she had stopped loving and trusting him? He broke the very first promise he made to her. How could she ignore that? She is happier in a world without him and the mess he brought along. Why should he persist to pull her into the same hell by being around, making his presence known? It's definitely not love when one fails to understand what the other person truly wants and disrespects her wishes again and again. Why did he always presume they wanted the same things in the relationship when he would selectively hear only what he wanted to? When random, insignificant people demeaned her, he did nothing but be a mute spectator. How could she ignore that? She was tired of the manipulation and lies.

How long could she have compromised with not being her true self? Her true essence was way too strong for him to accept. She was not valued. Where was the unconditional love?

How long should she have tried to salvage the bond and at what cost? Most importantly, why should she have?

Some people mean what they say. She did. Always. When she loved, it was honest. When she stopped, it was irrevocable. He should have respected her identity and integrity.

Massive destructions take time. Beyond a certain point, situations get irreparable. There's no way forward. All one can do is get wiser and ascend or the cycle shall keep going on and on.

She will do whatsoever she needs to do in order to keep her essence intact. Whatever isn't for her highest good can go to the deepest, darkest, filthiest corner of hell.

Another Soliloquy

The background music: Part of me by By the coast

I am looking at the tarot cards spread in front of me, trying to figure out the answer to the question, 'Would I find love in 2021?'

The Oracle message says, 'The key to prayer is to forget what I think I need'.

A part of me says, 'Haven't you had enough?'

I guess,  I have had enough for a million lifetimes. A massive heartbreak and an impending divorce. Oh yes, quite enough.

But I'm not closing my heart. I'll not allow myself to be bitter. That's not me. Hearts break but they don't stop beating. There has been a huge transformation this year. I writhed in agony, died but I rose from the grave again. Intact, if I may add.

There are so many things I'm grateful for! I've been blessed with a beautiful family, a very satisfying job, kind people around and good health.

I'm not very coherent tonight. I just don't want to be. Afterall, it's the last day of a very chaotic year. 

Let me write down another list of traits. Traits that I wish my future partner has (if I ever meet him ). The previous list had 50 traits. The new one has just 5 so it is absolutely non-negotiable. These are:

1. Spiritually enlightened

2. Capable of honest, unconditional love

3. Kind, respectful and gentle (not one but three, I know)

4. One who stays

5. Understanding

I'll stop being silly now. But then, I'm a dreamer. I'll always believe in a happily ever after no matter how many times I'm broken to pieces or ripped to shreds or burnt to ashes.

The Tower

There is a card in the Tarot called ‘The Tower’. You can see terrified people falling off a burning tower and the background is absolutely dark. Needless to say, this isn’t one of my favourite cards in the deck despite it promising rebirth or resurrection. It’s an endless cycle, after all. No end is truly the end. There’s always a new beginning. Also, nothing lasts forever.

Well, this took some time to sink in. Yesterday, I had a ‘tower’ moment. Something within was shaken, uprooted and burnt to ashes. I mourned it for quite a long time. The mind always knew that the foundation was weak, there were delicate, highly inflammable gossamery dreams all around but you see, the foolish heart refused to take them down. It never does listen which is the worst thing about it. It just keeps weaving and decorating those delicate dreams everywhere to watch them get destroyed. Oh, the perseverance! 

I cried - Twenty hours straight without a break. It went on even when I was trying to sing ‘My Immortal’ by Amy Lee. Poor lacrimal glands of mine worked really hard to keep up with the overwhelming emotions. The mind was spewing venom at the Universe asking a lot of ‘whys’. And then he came, my guardian angel, the rain. He never lets me cry alone. Never! He put me to sleep. I was drained when I woke up. Then I read those heart breaking words, yet again and began crying. After an hour of lying in the foetal position, when I thought I’ll take a break from work to wallow in self-pity for another day, a distant relative called who was diagnosed with ALS (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis), a fatal disease. She was admitted in the institute where I work and wanted to see me. Epiphany struck! I cannot let the devil choke me to insanity when there are worse things people are struggling with, especially, when they are being helplessly dragged towards death. This made me sit up straight and I began my session of self-healing. As long as I am alive and have my spark intact, I can do something for myself and the world, right? The healing included reassuring my heart that there’s something better out there. After an hour and a half, I was back to normal. I met my relative on my way to work.

Now let me talk about the thing that burnt the tower. 

Once upon a time, there lived an Empress and an Emperor who were blessed with a daughter. The Princess grew up in a very protected environment and was the apple of her parents' eye. She believed in the good. Then she had to venture out to learn about the ways of the world and pave her own path. She was on her quest to become a warrior of light. There was one problem though, she had this wish to fall in love with a good man and live happily ever after. There was nothing wrong with the wish but the problem was her life path couldn’t accommodate the expectations of the society and the men she met would not understand that. Ones who pretended to understand had their own demons to battle with so they would leave half way after pulling her close and making a million false promises. She never believed them for she was awakened enough but she always hoped they would see the honesty in her emotions and try speaking their truth which never happened. This pathological optimism or rather expectation burnt the tower.

The story cannot be concluded here without the promise of a future.

What does she do now? She needs to keep walking on her path, raise her vibration and be the Empress she has always wanted to be. Rest will fall into place. An Empress doesn't need an Emperor to reign. 

The Divorce - Her Story

There'd be her version, there'd be his version. But the truth will be somewhere in between the two.

The cup got empty,  there was nothing to give

He didn't see it or rather chose not to

Time, as it passed, watched her grieve

She no longer had the man she could run to

The bond began breaking, her glory derided

She had to lose him to find her spark again

The end was inevitable, she bled, he bled

They had to part ways to let go of the pain

About that...

The biological clock is ticking, I know. It may sound arrogant but I know it better than anyone else. Reproduction is yet to have a purpose for me. We talk about climate change, intolerance among humans due to the differences; we talk about pollution and the lack of resources. What can more humans do other than making it all worse? Can't we make do with the numbers we already have? Well, those are my thoughts on child bearing. I have absolutely no problem with the people who do have babies. Their lives, their choices. The way I have uncountable reasons for not having a child, they too would be having many reasons to have one. I've just got one thing to tell the 'well meaning', 'concerned' people around, I am NOT answerable to anyone.
The day I am sure that I can properly raise a child, there are many children who are in need of a home. My heart and home will be open to them. If that doesn't happen, I will not have anything to regret. I shall not follow the herd.

Lisbon

I had a weird dream yesterday. I was in Lisbon... well, that's what a map I was reading said. There were a lot of people around. I could see aesthetic limestone buildings with red roofs. 

The scene suddenly changed to a beach where I was walking alone, absolutely clueless about where I was going. Then I just paused, began walking towards the ocean and I woke up!

Dreams are often related to the sub conscious mind. I tried remembering if I had watched any movie where Lisbon was shown or read somewhere, something about Portugal or if I had browsed the Portuguese cuisine in the food application on the phone. No, I am sure, I had never thought about Portugal. Perhaps, I have overlooked or forgotten something I had come across.

Now the thing is, after waking up I searched the internet for more information about the place and concluded that I would love to see it sometime.

I've been lucky in terms of travel this year. I visited three different places - Lachung in Sikkim (India), Liverpool (UK) and Sydney (Australia).

Lachung offered me the perfect hibernating spot. Far away from the maddening crowd and chaos of the city. My resort was at the top of a mountain. Though it wasn't snowing there, one could see snow capped peaks all around. The chill had a soul. A warming soul. I sat on a rock outside and meditated. Soon after that a cat came up to me and bit my finger! Since I was vaccinated against rabies, I calmly classified the wound as Category 2 and slipped back into the afterglow. That state of peace cannot be expressed in words. If I have just one day to live, I'd like to be there. I have left a bit of my essence in Lachung.

The trip to Liverpool was work related. I was there to attend a conference on brain infections and I also had a paper to present. Though thrilled about the fact that it was my first trip to a new continent, I was scared about facing the foreign audience. The place had a soul of its own. There was something very dreamy about it. I went on long strolls breathing in the air kissed by the river. I spent a lot of time on the docks listening to the sea gulls cry, getting wet in the constant drizzle. Something about the place seemed very familiar. I cannot seem to put my finger on it but yes, I wish  I can see it once again someday!

Soon I set my foot on another new continent - Australia. B and me went together to Sydney. That was a mandatory visit to get the PR status activated. Sydney is not one of the best places I have visited but it is fairly good. More than the popular tourist attractions, I enjoyed travelling on the train and buying blueberries from Woolworths. B and me had a fight due to my silly fascination with the train. I kept on insisting on visiting random places so I could sit in the train for a longer time and B has limited patience in the public. Thus, the outcome is quite expected. The guest house where we stayed was pretty cozy. It did break my heart to leave behind B but this transition was vital for him just like returning to my city was for me.

So, overall, I am extremely happy with my travel schedule this year. I hope I can squeeze in many more in the years to come.

And yes, Lisbon it is, one day...